"John Smith" High School, Class of 1993
There was ridiculous news out of Van Horne, IA last week. Benton Community High School Superintendent Gary Zittergruen and the school board denied the use of the school's name to the producers of the upcoming movie, "The Final Season," about the 1990-91 state champion Norway, IA baseball team.
The film chronicles Norway's last state title the year before entering a whole-grade sharing agreement with Benton high-school students in 1991.
While the board authorized the film's use of the Norway baseball diamond and the building housing "the old shop" (the significance of the latter I cannot yet explain,) Zittergruen explained that he had concerns about Benton's depiction in the script.
"Although The Final Season, Inc. claims that 'at no time does the movie berate or denigrate the Benton Community School District or their personnel,' I believe that this is an inaccurate statement," he said. (He didn't provide specifics.)
"In deciding whether to grant access... the district should be assured that it and its personnel will not be portrayed unfavorably. However, in this situation, there is no way to guarantee this without the district having final approval over the script and final cut of the film. Furthermore, there is no guarantee the script the district has been provided will not be changed during the course of the production or the film will be edited in a way... blah, blah, blah."
They did the same thing to my graduation speech. Snip here. Snip there. Final edit this. Final edit that. Cut the heart right out of it.
When will movie subjects realize that it's always best to cooperate. If I were this film's producers, I would tit-for-tat the whole thing: We want this, and if you don't give it to us, we'll turn the principal into "The Simpson's" Principal Skinner. If you don't give us that, we'll allege racial or gender bias. Et cetera. They don't need to use real names to do a hatchet job on the district.
What does the school have to hide anyway? What axe could screenwriter Art D'Alessandro, a New York native and Florida resident, possibly have to grind? Frankly, I doubt
I'll be inaccurately portrayed in the film. So when the Superintendent says "the Benton Community School District or their personnel," he means the personnel.
It's difficult for me to understand why the producers even need the board's approval. Proving libel is one of the most difficult legal proofs there is. You have to demonstrate all five of the following: defamation, identification, publication, fault (negligence or malice), and damage. I'm guessing the first would be very difficult to prove in this case (considering that the truth, [slippery here] by definition, cannot be defamatory.) And I'm nearly certain that the fifth would be impossible to prove. Is school enrollment going to drop? (I predict it goes up in coming years.) An administrator's career could almost certainly be damaged, but remember, they're asking for use of the
school's name, not the names of school officials.
If I were the film's producer, I would simply change the name of the school in the film to "Van Horne," and be done with it. The rest of the state already refers to the high school as "Van Horne, Benton," or vice-versa, and you'd be dealing with an altogether different public entity in relationship to the town.
It just makes me so angry. I've been telling all sorts of people that my high school was going to be blown up big as life on the silver screen. I was even planning to wear my baseball jersey ("ole' #10) to the film's premiere. Now, people will just say "Benton, where's that? Oh, you must mean Capital City."
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Additional note: Production on the film has been moved back from June to July. The film still plans to use the Norway diamond, as mentioned, and they'll be shooting as well at Cedar Rapids locations of the producers' choosing, and the 1991 state championship site in Marshalltown. Iowa residents, contact your agency for audition times and locations.
This little piggy
One of the powerful motivators of life is ego-stroking from others. In confounding ways, we often become the person others expect us to be.
During the winter of 2004, I was experiencing what I thought was a resurgence of my faith in the Democratic Party. Looking back a year and a half later, it's evident that what was really occurring was the planting of my first seeds of independence from both political parties.
I was in attendence one night at a Howard Dean rally in an auditorium at the state fairgrounds. The state caucus was only days away, and people like Dave Barry and Stephen Colbert were wandering almost unnoticed through the crowd. A political reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer approached me quite randomly and started asking about the political climate in the state and my opinion of Dean's chances. I don't recall what I told him about Dean, but I'm quite sure I would look like an idiot today if confronted with those comments. (I do remember being very pissed off about John Kerry and Dick Gephardt, and telling him I wouldn't vote for a Washington Democrat.)
Anyway, he asked me at one point, whether I thought Iowa should have the first in-the-nation caucus, and I answered him with a flat no. It made no sense to me, I said, that such a small group of party activists should carry so much power in the process. Then the guy told me I was the first person in Iowa to answer him that way. Really? I said. Wow.
His comment made me feel really good about myself, not just because he had singled me out, but because the words coming out of my mouth had felt so selfless. They weren't, of course. I benefit so indirectly and so little from Iowa's first in the nation electoral status that the whole issue is utterly moot in my life.
From that point on, though, I started shifting my political focus away from the rhetoric of party and us-versus-them labels to the action of justice and social reform. It felt so good to stop having to defend sleazeballs like Bill and Hillary Clinton, and to begin opening a line of communication with well-meaning people of different political stripes.
I thought of the politics of greed, self-interest, and empty rhetoric this afternoon after reading
this.
The Danica 500
Sadly, we can look all too rarely to our professional athletes for great social comment and criticism. Every social advance in sports by a Tiger Woods or Annika Sorenstam has been met with a baffoonish comment by a Fuzzy Zoeller or a Vijah Sing. Add NASCAR driver Robby Gordon to the ranks of the ridiculous.
Gordon said Saturday that he would not return to the Indy 500 and open-wheel competition until the IRL does something about the weight issue of drivers that he believes gives female driver Danica Patrick an unfair advantage.
"The lighter the car, the faster it goes," Gordon said, "Do the math. Put her in a car at her weight, then put me or Tony Stewart in the car at 200 pounds and our car is at least 100 pounds heavier."
Now let me say before we go any further that I follow auto racing about as closely as I follow daytime television. (I found out today there's a courtroom show called "Texas Justice." Silly.) When engaged in a conversation about the sport, I always steal my brother's line--
I like the driver with the southern accent. And yet, I watch a lot of all-purpose sports programming, and I must tell you this is the first time I've ever heard this weight discussion within the realm of auto racing. Are these guys jockeys now?
Indy cars must weigh a minimum of 1,525 pounds according to on-line reports, and race officials estimate that Patrick's weight advantage may be responsible for as much as a one mile-per-hour advantage. But what about a driver like me? On an open-track like the McVicar Freeway in Des Moines, I can get the Grand Prix up to about 85 (and she carrys 150,000 miles.) After a strenuous morning "sweatin' to the oldies," I weigh a little more than 150 pounds. This can't be a hell of a lot more weight than a short, small-framed NASCAR driver like Jeff Gordon (or as it turns out, Sunday's pole winner Tony Kanaan,) and if 100 pounds can make a discernible difference in a 500 mile race, than surely 50 pounds can shift the balance of power as well.
You don't hear quarterbacks complaining about the weight advantages of defensive lineman. You don't hear point guards suggesting that Shaquille O'Neal play on his knees. You don't hear John Daly complain that he's hindered by swinging a golf club past a pair of giant man-boobs, and frankly, you don't hear the majority of other drivers complaining about Patrick's perceived "advantage," which is remarkable considering the machismo inherent in the sport of auto racing.
It's sexism by Robbie Gordon. Pure and simple.
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While Gordon's in the process of growing up, he should stop calling himself "Robbie."
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I've never seen this
film, but I found this review to be as enlightening about the time and the place as it could possibly be about the picture. Happy Memorial Day. And Peace on Earth.
Change in plans
Steve Garvey did an interview today with another KXNO host. Listen for a phone interview with Ron Cey by Ross Peterson on "The Local Sports Connection" Saturday morning at 9am, with possible reverberations on our show Sunday night. (I declined an invitation to join the conversation.)
Note to self: Record a promo in advance advertising your interview with Bud Selig so no one else can swipe it. The world will have to wait to hear Steve Garvey's 20th Anniversary commentary of the classic comedy bit, "The Garvey Zone," starring "the Garv," Super Dave Osborne, and Dwight Gooden.
Garvey and the Penguin
Two great former ballplayers are headed to Des Moines this weekend. Members of the 1981 World Champion Dodgers, Ron Cey and Steve Garvey, will be signing autographs at the Bob Feller Museum in Van Meter on Saturday. Details
here.
Now you know as much as I do, except for the fact that
Iowa Sports Connection president Mike Rickord, who hosts a Saturday morning show on KXNO Radio, has graciously asked "The Baseball Show" hosts Ross Peterson and me to represent him in Van Meter. More details to come tomorrow, including air times and possible re-broadcast information about our show Sunday night.
Notice also, on the first link, that Bud Selig will be on-hand for the Feller Museum's 10th Anniversary celebration in June. Keep your fingers crossed for "the Baseball Show."
Moving out
We're in the middle of a few busy weeks at work. The radio stations are moving up the street-- to 2141 Grand Avenue in Des Moines, in case you're planning to send well-wishes. The packing and cleaning, coupled with normal everyday duties, has seriously cut into my web-surfing time "on the clock," and it now threatens to temporarily hinder this blog.
But I have come across some interesting subjects on-line.
In the wake of the filibuster dispute, Slate.com published
this article regarding the political legacy of the Frank Capra film "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." I bring it to your attention, not to highlight changes in the political structure, as this author does, but to make a point I've often made about Capra. His legacy, which mostly exists due to "It's a Wonderful Life," is that of the "All-American" optimist and idealist, but as Timothy Noah illustrates, "Mr. Smith" has been incorrectly remembered in that context. It's a cynical and dark film.
Christopher Hitchens is one of the world's great writers and independent thinkers. I disagree with his support for the Iraqi war, but I think he's written eloquently about the Left's failure to condemn the terrible atrocities under Saddam Hussein and others.
Here, the frequent guest of Dennis Miller and Bill Maher draws the ire of Jerry Falwell and his ilk. His website is
www.hitchensweb.com.
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Actor Kevin Pollack was in St. Louis Monday to watch Tony LaRussa tie Whitey Herzog as the second-winningest manager in Cardinals history and talk a little business with the Redbird skipper. Pollack is interested in adapting Buzz Bissinger's LaRussa book, "3 Nights in August," into a feature-length motion picture. Pollack contends that the book already includes a three-act structure, courtesy of the team's three game series chronicled against the Cubs, and it comes complete with a Hollywood ending-- a walk-off home run by Kerry Robinson after LaRussa's frustrations with the outfielder's play earlier in the series.
I got to tell you, though. I've read the book, and I don't see it. The baseball accounts in the book are so minute, the stakes of a three game series in August, so low, that I would be shocked if it could be made to be compelling. We haven't seen Pollack in anything good lately. (If ever?) I suspect he's trying to cash in on the big screen success of Bissinger's other filmed adaptation, "Friday Night Lights."
Super Karate Monkey Death Car
A copy of the "Newsradio- Seasons 1 and 2" DVD is now safely in my possession. They are 27 brilliant episodes accompanied by 20 individual commentaries by cast and crew, available today for just a little more than a dollar an episode. This is the greatest sitcom of all-time, and I invite you to understand why by visiting
www.newsradioart.com . Pay particular attention to chapter 7, "Morally Expressive Art."
My only regret is that we must continue to wait before re-living Season 4's classic line, "Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my spot. But Jimmy has fancy plans. And pants to match."
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David Chase, creator of "The Sopranos," is talking about the HBO series' sixth and probably final season. "I started thinking about what are these people about, what are they really after. It's going to be about money and about materialism, buying stuff, consumerism."
Chase also offered up that the final season will take place roughly two years after the death of Adriana and the arrest of Johnny Sack in Season 5, roughly consistent with the amount of time that will have elapsed between "Sopranos" TV seasons.
Will the show continue past a sixth season? Chase says, "It's just a question of whether the story works out creatively in six seasons, which I think it will. Then we probably shouldn't do a seventh."
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HBO is the best because they make it so that Bill Maher doesn't have to worry about
shit like this. After you've read the comment in question, tell me if you don't think it could also apply to our Congressional representation. Be thankful you still live in a country where a rube like Spencer Bachus has to learn to live with thoughts and ideas he disagrees with. Now if only Bill could stop worrying about
this.
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Did you hear this one? Jimmy Kimmel will be portraying Jay Leno in E!'s Michael Jackson trial re-enactment. No foolin'.
I have no idea when this is on, but I don't plan to miss Kimmel's show the rest of this week.
The state of Kansas City
I took in the Cards/Royals game in KC on Saturday night. It's always a nice day when you take in the
Kauffman Stadium. But the baseball forecast continues to be bad in western Missouri. The Royals' healthy pitchers are poor. The injured pitchers were poor when they were healthy. It remains to be seen what team CEO David Glass has done with the luxury tax he's collected from the Yankees and Red Sox over the past two years. The money's clearly not being spent on the field, though I suspect a large chunk of it goes towards keeping all the grass outside of the stadium freshly mowed.
The stadium issue is a dicey one in KC. Kauffman is a great park-- good sightlines, majestic scoreboard, those famous fountains in left- and right-center field, but it's located far from the city's center in the northeast suburbs. The location allows the team to control nearly all of the parking, and causes a football game-like traffic jam after each home game.
Royals executives claim that the stadium needs more luxury suites, and that it lacks the types of amenities necessary to make the team a financial success. And while Missouri voters denied the Cardinals the tax money they sought to build the new ballpark on the state's east coast, Kansas City residents still bitterly resent the state money that went into the NFL-ready domed stadium in St. Louis in the mid-90s. The Royals are currently seeking taxpayer support for upgrades to Kauffman.
It becomes the chicken and the egg conundrum. You need money to build a winning team, but you can't make money until you have a winner. Frankly, the Royals' baseball operation is in shambles, and the onus appears to have fallen on the player development people at the Major League level. The farm system has produced heralded rookie players like Carlos Beltran, Mike Sweeney, Bob Hamelin, Carlos Febles, Mark Quinn, Ken Harvey, Mike MacDougal, Jeremy Affeldt, and Angel Berroa. But with the exception of Beltran- who became too expensive to keep, and Sweeney, these players' careers have all flat-lined after the first season.
The team's attempts to fill slots with free agent players and add veteran influence have been met with frequent failure. Benito Santiago and Juan Gonzalez were horrendous signings prior to last year, and this year's top free agent, opening day starting pitcher Jose Lima, was best described by Jim Edmonds this weekend as a "clown."
Even at the time, I knew the Royals (under previous ownership) made a colossal mistake by passing on a move to the National League in 1997. (The Milwaukee Brewers took advantage of the second choice.) I completely understand the impulse to stick with tradition, and at the time, many other radical changes were taking place in the game, such as expansion and the six-division realignment, but the Royals wound up sacrificing 18 games with the Cardinals and 18 games with the Cubs, in essence, so that they could keep six games with the Yankees. Taking into account the excitement surrounding these Cards/Royals weekends, I truly believe you'd be looking at a successful, competitive team in KC if they had made the switch.
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The Cubs simply cannot stay away from ridiculous headlines. Two starts removed from a 136 pitch outing, and one start from the detection of elbow soreness, Cubs officials early Sunday were suggesting that Carlos Zambrano's arm pain was linked to the amount of time he spends typing e-mails to his brother in Venezuela. By Sunday night, team trainer Mark O'Neal was stressing that the pain was linked to tennis elbow, and
not Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but by then, the Chicago Sun-Times was already running with comments made by GM Jim Hendry and manager Dusty Baker, in which each reiterated that Zambrano had been asked to scale back his e-mailing.
The Cubs, under Dusty Baker, have been so remarkably vulnerable to distraction that it defies explanation. Isn't it time for him to go? Cubs fans, let's hear from you on this one. I don't know how in the world this guy ever got his golden reputation. All he's ever done is blow pennants. His Giants won 100 games, but lost out to the Braves on the final day in 1993. (They were the losers of the Last Great Pennant Race before the Wild Card system would wreck baseball's regular season forever.) The Giants then folded annually under Baker-- and behind Barry Bonds-- before finally reaching the World Series in 2002, but even then, they proceeded to blow a five run lead in what should have been a clinching Game 6 against the Angels. And then you've got the Steve Bartman fiasco and the parade of damaged right arms in Chicago.
I say show him the door.
But then again, it's none of my business.
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HBO's Jim Lampley is blogging on Arianna Huffington's site. He writes today about
the Pat Tillman affair.
"The Cardinals Show on KXNO"
Ross Peterson will be unable to host the "The Baseball Show" Sunday night due to a death in his family. In his place will be former KGGO disc jockey and co-host of the old "Jack and Alex Show" on KXNO, "The Rock-n-Roll King of Des Moines," Jack Emerson. Jack is a huge Cardinals fan (coincidence), and he's got a few things he's been wanting to say about interleague play.
Tonight, at 10
Some fascinating features have been aired on Des Moines' local newscasts during May Sweeps. Which one is made up?
a) "True Believers," paranormal investigators
b) "Inside the Mind of a Sex Offender," a chat with one of Iowa's most notorious sexual criminals
c) "Caught on Tape," the Prairie Meadows' 'Giddy-up Girl' scandal
d) "What's in our Water?"
e) "Breast Milk... For Sale!"
Answer below.
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As we watch Senate Republicans attempt to strong-arm the legislative body on the issues of the filibuster and minority rights, and effectively end two centuries of American parliamentary tradition, what am I reminded of?
Anti-Nader Democratic tactics during the 2004 election.
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Answer above: That's right. Sadly, it's 'c.'
Dangerous education
Education was the issue of the day in the
Des Moines Register. In addition to Governor Tom Vilsack calling on parents of high schoolers to enroll their kids in more rigorous classes (he believes they fear lower GPAs in the tougher courses,) there were two stories about the suppression of education.
The first involved a high school administrator in northwestern Iowa who cancelled a class trip to Chicago where high school speech students were scheduled to perform their state championship-winning "A Holocaust Story" for a group of survivors at the Holocaust Foundation in Skokie.
Laurens-Marathon Superintendent Mike Wright turned down the funds when the student group requested them, and when the parents volunteered to pay for travel and food, he still said no.
Asked to explain himself to the citizens who pay his salary, Wright said, "I basically made a decision, and that's the way it's going to be. I could tell you a thousand reasons they shouldn't go, but I'm not going to. I guess I really don't understand why this is a concern of the
Des Moines Register."The principal of the school believes Wright's decision was linked to an unwritten rule that student groups can't take class trips two years in a row, and the Speech Club is coming off a trip to Washington D.C. Wright is leaving the school district June 1st to take a job in Clear Lake.
The University of Iowa is hearing criticism from the statehouse because of a new elective course about the cultural impact of pornography. House Speaker Christopher Rants "reminded" university officials Tuesday that the House has yet to approve the school's budget for next year. (Who would have guessed they were three weeks late on a budget so they could spend more time bullying the state colleges?) Though Rants and others see political gold in this issue, the instructor in the course says the enrolled students will be bored to tears if they arrive in class expecting titillation. The University of Northern Iowa has offered a course in pornography as far back as the early '70s. (Iowa State offers something called "Animal Husbandry." Not sure what that is.) Even Chuck Hurley, the president of the right-wing Iowa Family Policy Center says he sees the potential value of the course.
The American Taliban won't be satisfied until the entire nation has stopped talking about, thinking about, and participating in sex.
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Speaking of Governor Vilsack,
Salon.com thinks he has just the right ideas to revive the Democratic party. They're wrong. Like all of the other Republican-lites, Vilsack thinks the party's problem is rhetoric, when in fact it's their action. Disenfranchised voters are smart enough to recognize that Democrats no longer stand up for them. Salon: "You're a member of the Democratic Leadership Council, right?" Vilsack: "Uh, yeah, I guess so. I don't know."
We've seen Vilsack's ideas at work in Iowa. They appear to include throwing bucketloads of cash at corporate America in a futile effort to save jobs while the companies demolish our family farms and Main streets, taking our cold medicine off the supermarket shelves in indentured servitude to America's disastrous "War on Drugs," and chasing off the next generation of Iowans with English-only legislation.
Read my lips-- Vilsack is
more of the same.
And by the way, it's no great achievement to be re-elected as a Democrat in Iowa. We re-elect everyone. Every office holder is given a 20 year cushion to prove he/she can do the job.
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Big baseball weekend coming up out West. Here's an amusing
column about the recently-sizzling rivalry between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Another trip down the toilet
The latest media "scandal" is
Newsweek's report of US interrogators flushing a Koran down the toilet. Yesterday, the magazine retracted the account after a "longtime reliable source" recanted his/her statement.
After hearing about the riots in Afghanistan that killed 14 people, I think we're all still trying to figure out how it is that so many more Afghan Muslims read
Newsweek than do Americans, how so many people could become so angry about the abuse of prisoners who were not from their country, and how they could commit such violence at this time, considering that reports of Koran desecration and Muslim religious abuse by American military interrogators go back at least two years.
To begin with, any reasonable observer should acknowledge the complete plausibility that the prison environment at Guantanamo Bay is ripe for such abuse. It is so plausible, in fact, that the State Department had 10 days after the report was published to deny the story, and failed to do so.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan should be ashamed of himself for pressuring
Newsweek to "repair" damage done by the report. The story, he said, "has done damage to our credibility abroad and it has done damage to the credibility of the media and
Newsweek in particular. People have lost lives. This report has had serious consequences."
Funny then that last Thursday, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Richard Myers, was attributing the violence to the on-going "political reconciliation process" in the area. Is McClellan calling Myers a liar?
It's the same old shellgame from the Bush Administration-- blame, blame, and blame some more-- shifting attention from the various fiascos of their own making. Who has done more "damage to our credibility abroad" and "lost (more) lives" than the Bushies themselves? Where's the apology and the attempt to "repair" the damage done by their illegal war, which was sold to the American public and the world on discredited intelligence? I'll show you a soggy holy book in Cuba after you show me the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.
The
Newsweek reporter in question, it is worth noting, is not a hack. Michael Isikoff has a reputation for being a relentless and disciplined reporter. He was even a champion of the Right after he uncovered the Monica Lewinski affair. Yesterday, Linda Tripp's literary agent, Lucianne Goldberg (who also recorded the Lewinsky phone conversations,) said that Isikoff had been "infuriatingly professional" in his dealings with Tripp.
The magazine's retraction reeks to high heaven, and the stench is coming from the corporate office where the suits are hoping against hope to avoid the fate of the New York Times and "60 Minutes 2" after those news outlets planted themselves in the crosshairs of the White House's formidable PR machine.
Isikoff is ultimately responsible for editing and re-checking even a simple one-sentence blurb in an extended investigative piece, but the role of our fourth estate is to put every story into its proper context. In this case, that would include taking the White House and the Pentagon to task for Gen. Myers' initial statements. It includes calling out the administration's habit of concealing information, remaining silent when asked to issue denials, and then attacking published and broadcast reports. And it now must include delivering a thorough follow-up to this entire story-- including the initial charge-- one that will allow Americans the fullest access to government information. Only at that point can they make up their own minds about this administration's credibility.
The end of America's "two-act" standard?
"Everybody Loves Raymond" signed off tonight with a poignant, funny episode that the network and show's producers thoughtfully and modestly limited in length to its usual half hour. As Ray Barone's family members were forced to briefly contemplate life without their spouse/sibling/child, my thoughts turned to our new lives without the American sitcom. Bloated and worn, whipped and drained of every ounce of its creative existence, it appears we will now begin trudging ahead in our lives without one of the most elastic and once-comforting artforms in America.
What Lucy begat, Gleason structured, and Mary and a handful of others broadened slowly began disintegrating a decade and a half ago. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," the inspiration behind all the great workplace comedies, experimented away from the 'two-act' formula. "Taxi" abandoned the single-shot directing approach; and by the time "Seinfeld" had ended, the number of scenes in a half hour show had exploded to as many as 40. "The Simpsons" deserves the most credit for exploring new frontiers in television comedy (particularly its timing and pacing)-- so much so that today's great comedies (read: "Arrested Development") are more like cartoons than they are "All in the Family," or even "Cheers."
The last distinct "extended coma" for a television genre that comes to mind occurred in the mid-1980s when "Moonlighting" (
finally on DVD May 31st) introduced a hip, over-dialogued, music-licensed approach to the private detective series. It proceeded to bludgeon the traditional mystery formula with Lizzie Borden-like conviction. "Hill Street Blues" had added layers of character and atmospheric texture to the structure, but "Moonlighting" openly mocked it. (By the time "Hill Street" ended, there was little left for it to influence. With "LA Law" still at its peak of production, even "Hill Street" creator, Steven Bochco, was borrowing more from "Moonlighting" than from his own past success.)
The tube was still populated by private detective series and police procedurals after "Moonlighting," but
structurally, they would never be the same. (How do you keep viewers down on the "Hawaii Five-O" farm after they've seen Bruce Willis converse with a clay-mation telephone?) Just as TV still restocks the mystery genre (now almost exclusively
forensic science-related,) we will still see "Raymond"-like family living rooms on television for some time to come, arguably even a lot of them. But what we will not see for an indeterminate period of time is "Raymond's" freshness and originality. The
artiste has left the building.
It's a tribute to Ray Romano's show, really, that it endured the way it did. It didn't become the last of its breed by flaunting the rules and writing new ones, like "Moonlighting." It played completely by the old rules. The show's creators took an education and an understanding of what Lucy, Norman Lear, Barry Kemp, Jim Burrows and the Charles brothers had been doing for nearly half a century, and they wrote an inspired new chapter in the text based on the earlier work.
The analogy will sound odd, but I compare it to the way the Plains Indians treated the bison on the prairie. According to historians, the native hunters didn't simply tear off the hide and leave the corpse of the animal to rot after a killing (like those cavalry baffoons who will never know the enlightenment of "Stands With a Fist" or "Dances With Wolves.") They ate the meat, used the bones for their tents, and fashioned jewelry from the animal's teeth. (I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.)
Romano, co-creator Phil Rosenthal, and the ELR writing staff drew from their own experiences (the fruit of the month, the taping over the wedding video, etc. The piano lesson episode, I believe, came from my life.) They brought back the lighter, softer pace of an earlier time. Their efficiency even included finding a recurring role on-screen for Rosenthal's wife. (Monica Horan played Robert's wife.)
Despite that minor cast change and an unfortunate clunker of an episode in which the family traveled to Italy, "Raymond" stayed true to what it was. No ridiculous ratings stunts, no pregnancies, no changing of the focus to the children. They pulled a soft sponge out of the lukewarm sitcom water, and lightly squeezed all of the water out. Tonight, they had the good sense to drop the sponge on the edge of the sink and walk away, without squeezing until their grip had become raw.
When I first wrote this text, I used the phrase "death" in an early reference to describe the next status of the sitcom, but on second pass I changed the phrase to "extended coma," because the sitcom isn't dead. Young people are enjoying reruns of "Cheers" and "The Golden Girls" every day across this land, chuckling perhaps at the outdated hairstyles and clothing, but seeing these shows for the first time, and warming to their gentle nature and sense of humor. They are stories based on tried and true formulas, imagined by talented people. Everything old one day becomes new again. In the meantime, the genre will gradually replenish itself, while we enjoy the revolutionary and captivating original programming of HBO, and at least one hysterically-funny network show.
The old sitcom walls hold feelings of great nostalgia. They were frequently comforting, and they often supported great architecture. But right now, they're down, and I for one plan to make the most of my freedom.
Moeller TV Listings 5/16
The "Everybody Loves Raymond" finale airs tonight at 8 central, and is preceded by a one hour clip show. I snoozed and missed my chance to write something nice about it before it aired, since I think "Raymond" has been one of the exceptional shows on television. Instead, enjoy Heather Havrilesky thoughts and her interview with creator Phil Rosenthal on
Salon.com.
Weekend reading
It's been a mostly uneventful Friday, the 13th, though I saw a couple guys get cuffed by police at the grocery store after work, and the guy behind the counter at Dairy Queen kept me riveted with the tale of how he's designing an Obi-Wan Kenobi costume for the Star Wars premiere, a discussion I inadvertently sparked by ordering the Chicken Strip Basket.
If you have some reading time on the 13th, 14th, or 15th, give these articles a go...
1. Slate culture critics
debate whether or not TV is getting dumber.
2. Salon
details the evolution trial in Kansas. (You'll have to watch a 10 sec. ad to get a site pass.)
3. The NY Times has a funny
story about the financial lengths to which athletes will go to get their favorite uniform number. (This blog is obsessed with uniform numbers.) (Members only site, but free.)
4. An LA Times writer
finds the inclusiveness of America in a baseball bobblehead.
5. The Sun-Times' new TV critic
profiles Bill Maher.
"The Baseball Show on KXNO" will get a late start this weekend. The I-Cubs start at 3, so they may run till 5:30 or 6. Hopefully, no later than that.
Hallelujah
An E! network correspondent reports having seen Jason Bateman with his friend, Ben Stiller, at a charity event in LA last week. He/she asked the "Arrested Development" star about the status of his series. Bateman's response, "Actually, great. Supergreat. There is a heartbeat. There is no flatline. And there may be
twins."What does this mean? According to high-placed sources (E!'s, not mine), the final documents have yet to be signed, but there's a 99.9 percent chance that "Arrested" is coming back not only for a full season of 22 episodes, but
two full seasons of 22 episodes. Announcement due next week.
Twilight of the gods
May 12th marks two important baseball anniversaries. Thirty-nine years ago today, a new Busch Stadium (the second) opened in St. Louis. International beer baron and Cardinals' owner August A. Busch, Jr., to his endless credit and in contrast with his successors, built the ballpark with his own money. It cost $26 million to construct, and with the exception of a $6 million bond issue for site improvements, the money came from Busch and other private sources. That $26 million translates to about $154 million in 21st century dollars, according to The Inflation Calculator.
Busch's vision built loyalty in generations of baseball fans in the midwest, and through baseball and his ballpark, Gussie finally received the love of the St. Louis community he had never received from his beer business. Well into his eighties, Busch would climb onto a bright red beer wagon on Opening Day and prior to post-season games, and be pulled by a team of Clydesdales. Decked in a red cowboy hat and red jacket, he would receive a standing ovation. He sold a hell of a lot of beer, too. There's a lesson in capitalism and public goodwill in there somewhere.
As you probably know by now (though it's received too little national attention,) the stadium's 39th birthday is also going to be its
last. Fittingly, one of Busch's sons, Billy, pulled the number off the outfield wall this afternoon, counting down the remaining home games at the park (now 61.) The game on May 12th, 1966 went 12 innings before Hall-of-Famer Lou Brock singled in the winning run. Today, the Cards blew out the candles with a thumping of the Dodgers, 10-3.
Today also marks Yogi Berra's 80th birthday. The Yankees Hall-of-Famer and American folk hero was born on Elizabeth Street in the Hill section of St. Louis, the original Italian-American neighborhood in the Gateway City. Fourteen years ago, the old man and I got up early on a Sunday and went out to snap a picture of the house, which still stands. Directly across the street, was- and is- the boyhood home of former Cardinals catcher, Hall-of-Fame broadcaster, and former Carson guest host Joe Garagiola. Joe is more responsible than anyone for perpetuating the image of Lawrence Berra as "the unwitting philosopher-king of the Cultural West." (My phrase.) The two grew up playing ball on a trash dump with a burned-out hunk of a car serving as a dugout. (Harry Caray was also raised there, in an orphanage, roughly a decade earlier.)
Elizabeth Street looked in 1991 just as you would imagine it-- well-kept, modest homes built of St. Louis-style red brick, surrounded by manicured lawns and hedges, with a sprinkling of Virgin Mary statues scattered about near neighborhood doorways. Steven Soderbergh's 1993 film, "King of the Hill," was based and filmed on location there. I'm pretty sure that Berra's sister (sister[s]?) still live in that part of St. Louis. One was a nun, I know that.
I hope Yogi and Joe both get a chance to pull down a number at the stadium this year. I've spent a lot of time considering the pomp and circumstance of this tradition already, and I want to share some of my latest thoughts on the subject with you. First of all, I hope it's considered a natural that former Cardinals MVP and Manager Joe Torre will pull down a number when the Yankees visit Busch next month. (You might have heard, Joe's had a bit of managerial success since he left town, though Buzz Bissinger never wrote a
book about him.)
Many people probably expect Stan Musial to pull down the final number. After all, the 84-year-old is one of the top 5 ballplayers of all-time (I'll explain this at another time), and he's widely and accurately considered the Greatest Cardinal of Them All. He'd bust out his harmonica and make it a great party, October 2nd. But Stan never played in this Busch Stadium. He retired in 1963, having played his entire career at old Sportsman's Park, which later became the original Busch Stadium. He wore uniform #6 so pulling off that number would be appropriate, but the last homestand is only five games long, so game 6 would fall on a Wednesday afternoon two and a half weeks before the season ends. See how tricky this becomes?
Ozzie Smith wore #1 so he'd be a great choice to bring down the final number, and he made Busch Stadium his creative canvas for 15 years, but he doesn't get along well with the current manager so that's not a done deal. Mark McGwire provided Busch with its greatest international exposure, so he'd be a fine choice (and screw your steroid bullshit,) but he never played in a World Series in St. Louis. Whitey Herzog gave Busch Stadium its everlasting legacy, which is its role in defining the "Runnin' Redbirds" World Series clubs on the carpet of the 1980s, and Red Schoendienst managed the World Series clubs of 1967 and 1968.
I think my choice, though, would be the guy who's probably seen more ballgames at Busch than any other person. Broadcaster and former Card Mike Shannon was in the lineup in right field the night the park opened. The St. Louis native homered at Busch in Game 3 of the '67 Series, and again in Game 7 in '68. He retired from baseball and the Cards in 1970, and has been a broadcaster for the team since '72. On many of the nights we weren't at Busch Stadium, Mike was our eyes and ears, and with Jack Buck's departure, he's the ideal choice. As Mike himself would say, "It looks like ole' Abner will be right on duty in the ninth. Heh, heh, heh."
Cleaning out the cupboard, May edition
Slate has a terrific article today about our friend, Mitch Hedberg. If you've been missing Mitch on stage, or wondering what the fuss was all about,
take a minute.
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HBO has officially scrapped "Carnivale." The writing was on the wall when creator Daniel Knauf signed a development deal with Showtime. The writers also gave the network an easy out by wrapping up the second season in a tidy package. Frankly, that was enough for me. Two seasons were intriguing, but calling it quits now feels about right.
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Our greatest broadcaster, sports or otherwise-- Mr. Bob Costas-- returns to HBO on Friday with the debut of "Costas Now." It airs at 8 o'clock central.
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Years ago, the family traveled to New England and took in the sites of the great Northeast. All agreed that the Salem Witch Museum was a preposterous, tasteless attraction. Now comes word that TV Land has been cleared to erect a statue of Samantha of "Bewitched" in Salem, Mass. TV Land has previously built landmarks to "The Bob Newhart Show" in Chicago, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" in Minneapolis, "The Honeymooners" at the New York City Port Authority, and "The Andy Griffith Show" in Raleigh, NC. This new statue and its location will not be worthy of the others. I ask, shouldn't they continue honoring shows that were actually good? "Bewitched" ages about as well as "Kukla, Fran, and Ollie." Next, they'll dangle a "Full House" monument off the Golden Gate Bridge.
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A Democratic Socialist and independent in the U.S. Senate? It might become more than just the fevered dream of a tired, thirtysomething blogger. Vermont's eight-term Representative Bernie Sanders is running for the Senate, and polling at double any of his possible challengers. Bernie is a strong advocate for workers' rights and a proponent of universal health care. If you saw him on Bill Maher's HBO show last weekend, you also know he's one of the few lawmakers willing to protect
Tony Soprano and
Al Swearengen from the National Nannies in Washington. Read the congressman's thoughts on government media regulation
here, and show him the love at
bernie.org.
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Is Sammy Sosa really injured?
Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times suspects Sosa's abscess and staph infection, which coincides with Baltimore's only trip to Chicago this season, may be the slugger's "best acting job since downing too-hot Mexican food with a cold Pepsi."
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The NBA's LeBron James has fired his agents and replaced them with a high school teammate. Yeah, that's a good move.
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I told you so!-- I knew Britney and Kevin were pregnant. They were trying for a while, and Britney was glowing when I saw her on "Access Hollywood." I'm just kidding. I don't give a shit.
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Aaah, spring. My thoughts return to that wonderful night of yesteryear, Senior Prom. My date, Suzy Statutory. She was a real beauty. She had just been crowned "Miss Lincoln." It wasn't a royalty court. It was because every guy in the balcony took a shot at her.
I'll never forget her words to me that night, "Will that be cash or credit?"
Good times.
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A mother is bathing her three-year-old son who is examining his testicles. "Mommy, are these my brains?" he asks. She replies, "Not yet."
Time to fire my agent and nurse that infection. Moeller, out.
The monkees are back
This spring, I've been reading a terrific book called "Summer for the Gods." Written by Edward J. Larson, it won the Pulitzer Prize in history in 1997. It documents concisely and fairly the John Scopes Trial of 1925 and the clash between evolutionists and creationists during that heated summer in Dayton, Tennessee, when Scopes was prosecuted for teaching evolution in a public school in violation of state law.
This spring, the issue of marginalizing evolution has also reared it's ugly head on the national news pages, this time in the outpost of Topeka, KS, where the State Board of Education is busy conducting sham hearings designed to get the theory of "intelligent design" included in state science textbooks.
Adherents of intelligent design, if you're not familiar, believe that the complexity of the natural world could not have occurred by chance. Some intelligent entity, they contend, must have created the complexity. It's a step away from creationism and the strictest biblical literalism, but is grounded in the same junk science, and designed, likewise, to sneak Biblical teaching into America's science curriculum.
In Topeka, three conservative board members, a majority, have been conducting hearings on both "theories," claiming that debate is the healthiest course of action here. It isn't. Like the circus in Tennessee eight decades ago, the hearings are designed to attract attention to faith-based psychological and economic ventures. The healthy debate has already taken place in the scientific community during the two centuries since Darwin. And guess what, a verdict is in. The facts support natural selection, and they continue to provide the key building blocks of biology, physics, geology, chemistry, anthropology, and astronomy.
For three days in Topeka last week, witnesses called by intelligent design advocates attacked evolutionary theory that natural processes can develop from non-living chemicals, that all life has a common source, and that man and ape had a common ancestor. Evolutionists have been invited to testify on Thursday, but the attorney for the evolutionary theory is refusing to call scientists. State and national science groups are boycotting the hearings, viewing them as rigged against evolution. Kansas scientists watching the hearings argue that nearly all of the science presented during the testimony has been incorrect, and been provided by scholars on the fringe of the scientific world. The political ambitions of the board members have often surfaced as well, such as when board member Connie Morris told an ID witness, "I wish I had you in my office to answer all the e-mails I got from all over the country."
I applaud attorney Pedro Irigonegaray's decision to deny the Board the scientific justification it seeks. The results of this hearing are already a foregone conclusion, and will have to be met by court appeal. But I also cherish the different approach taken by the great Clarence Darrow in the Tennessee court in 1925. Darrow succeeded in putting the power of local majorities on trial. In a criminal court setting, he could keep the court's focus on the scientific validity of the creationists' religious beliefs; and by putting his public adversary, William Jennings Bryan, on the stand, he could prevent the populist orator from having a soapbox for his political agenda.
"Do you believe Joshua made the Earth stood still?" he asked Bryan at one point. Then, "Have you ever pondered what would have happened to the earth if it had stood still?"
Bryan expressed his faith, "No; the God I believe in could have taken care of that, Mr. Darrow."
"Don't you know it would have been converted into a molten mass of matter?" Darrow followed.
Eventually, the prosecutor objected, "What's the purpose of this examination?"
Darrow answered heroically.
"We have the purpose of preventing bigots and ignoramuses from controlling the education of the United States, and that is all."
They don't make 'em like Darrow anymore.
The late anthropologist, noted baseball writer, and Lisa Simpson confidante, Stephen Jay Gould, wrote eloquently in 1989 about the need by some to simplify our origins. "Too few people are comfortable with evolutionary modes of explanation in any form," he wrote. "I do not know why we tend to think so fuzzily in this area, but one reason must reside in our social and psychic attraction to creation myths, identify heroes and sacred places, while evolutionary stories provide no palpable, particular thing as a symbol for reverence, worship, or patriotism."
Isn't it more thrilling, though, to embrace what Gould called the "grandeur in the sweep of continuity?" What I know for sure is that it's incumbent upon intellectual people to constantly remind the bigots and the ignoramuses that the truth and the desire for truth- fact and comfort- are not the same thing.
Moeller TV Listings 5/10
Leave it to "Frontline" to tackle the issues the rest of the media has forgotten about. "The New Asylums" is a case-study report examining how the state of Ohio has dealt with an influx of mentally disturbed inmates in recent years.
Blog business
Friday marked the five month anniversary of this blog, so I set out to tinker with the site tonight. Notice a new plug for the "Baseball Show on KxNO" to the right. Not too much else is changing, however. Even the profile is staying about the same. I anticipated big changes among my "favorites," checking it for the first time in quite a while tonight, but I added just a few to my faves and deleted none. I still hesitate to post a picture. When you're good-looking, people assume you're not very bright.
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Check out Arianna Huffington's blog,
www.huffingtonpost.com, launched just today. John Cusack, Walter Cronkite, Harry Shearer, the Larry Davids, and the Julia Louis-Dreyfuses are among the contributors.
And I hope you appreciate my sharing this site with you. Now, I can't steal from it.
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Have you visited
www.getarrested.com lately? If you haven't had a chance, now's the time to sign the pledge to watch TV's best comedy. The FOX network is expected to release their fall schedule later this month, and we're getting conflicting signals on "Arrested Development." Star Will Arnett signed a deal to develop other series with creator Mitch Hurwitz, and I spotted Tony Hale on "Stacked," but FOX evidently plans to air "Arrested" re-runs during the summer, which was not the case last year. Keep your fingers crossed for a third season.
Working for peace
It is now officially open season on U.S. Prisoners of War and American soldiers serving in conflict. Our Commander-in-Chief and other high-ranking military personnel have unconscionably failed to deliver swift and decisive punishment against the American terrorists of Abu Ghraib, and thus sent the message to the world that torture is American military policy.
On April 22, Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, the former top U.S. commander in Iraq, and three other senior officers, were completely exonerated by the military brass for their roles in the prison abuse case. Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld, despite widespread reports of detainee abuse from Iraq to Afghanistan to Guantanamo Bay, and the fact that he's being sued in international court for abandoning the U.S.'s "deep-rooted prohibition against torture," still sits comfortably in his position.
Even the scapegoats are getting off. Today, Brigadier General Janis Karpinski escaped with a demotion in rank from President Bush, despite having commandeered the Military Police brigade that wiped their ass with the articles of the Geneva Convention and the U.S. Constitution at Abu Ghraib.
No prison sentence. No dishonorable discharge. Karpinski will now have to go through life as a United States army reserve colonel, rather than a one-star reserve general.
The army also claims to have taken disciplinary action against 22 other officers, but refused to identify them or the specific punishments. Five officers, none ranked higher than captain, faced unspecified criminal charges, but most of this discipline was administrative punishment, such as a formal letter of reprimand or a general discharge from service.
Strangely, the best news of the day for human-rights-loving Americans may have come by way of a surprising mistrial in the high profile prosecution of the leash-fetished buck private, Lynndie England. The mistrial does not mean England can go free. The judge rejected her guilty plea and acknowledged other notorious evidence in the case. Legal experts say the ruling could undermine Rumsfeld's assertion that the prison scandal was solely the fault of a small group of enlisted soldiers.
Meanwhile, 80 more Iraqis are dead in insurgent attacks since Wednesday, more than 200 this week.
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The election in Britain should provide some comfort for Ralph Nader supporters in the U.S., who have advocated, above all, an independent political voice outside the two-headed pro-war duopoly in Washington. Though only half a million Americans voted against the pro-war Republicans and Democrats last November, peace-loving Britons sent a strong anti-war message Thursday. Though they weren't able to evict the warmongers from power, they reduced Tony Blair's majority in the 646-seat parliament by almost 100 seats. Conservatives gained 44 seats, but the Liberal Democratic party gained a handful, to rise past 50 seats in the chamber.
Progressives can take solace in the fact that somewhere, someone is doing things right. Prime Minister Blair, it would appear, was made to answer for the legal advice and false pretense by which he took his country to war. Some observers believe he may be so politically hobbled that he will have to resign before finishing his term. Whereas, the U.S. opposition party offered up a mirrored image of the incumbent, and now has no moral principle in Iraq on which to stand.
Frozen in time
The deeper you go into this life, the more you see the shades and textures. Within them, lies the beauty of it all, I'm convinced. Age brings reflection, and with a little luck, some feeling of contentment. In baseball, our grand American pastime, this reflection is welcomed and nourished. The pace of the game allows for meditation. We see ourselves during the game for what we are, and what we have been.
Summer 2005 arrived for me during a ballgame Monday night. We had just endured a maddening two weeks in the upper Midwest, weather-wise-- below-normal, chilly conditions punctuated by a mix of record-low temps, frost conditions, and meteorologists' hype in central Iowa on the morning of May first. But a warm front began blowing through late Monday,coinciding with an extraordinary ballgame in the Major Leagues.
You've probably heard by now of the historic ninth-inning comeback staged by the Cardinals in Cincinnati. They trailed 9-3 before dropping 7 runs on the Reds in the final frame, the final 5 runs coming with two out. In so doing, they manipulated time. There was no clock in place to limit the Cards' production, no mechanism that allowed the Reds to control the ball and use up the remaining time, such as there is in the other team sports of football, basketball, hockey, and soccer. In the gentleman's game, the only way to it is through it, and to his credit, Reds' closer Danny Graves didn't walk the Cards' hitters. He went right after them. Unfortunately for him, the Cardinals were better on this night-- better at a historic clip. Reminiscent of the time Superman reversed time by spinning the world backwards, Jim Edmonds and John Mabry drove long home runs and the Cardinals delayed the third out until they had erased the six run deficit and established a surplus of runs of their own. I recognized all of this as the normally-stealth arrival of "endless summer."
Leave the timepiece at home when you attend the ballgame. It heightens one's ability to absorb the experience. Our greatest president knew this. When a committee of the Chicago Republican Convention arrived in Springfield, IL in May of 1860 to inform Abe Lincoln of his nomination for president, the Great Railsplitter was engaged in a game of baseball on the commons, bat in hand. "Tell the gentlemen that I am glad to know of their coming," Abe told a messenger, "But they'll have to wait a few minutes till I make another base hit."
True story, but what is it that still resonates about it today? Well, for one thing, the man pitching to Lincoln that day was Jeff Fassero, but there's more. There's something about baseball connected to youth that appeals to all of us. It provides a rhythm to the season, and a burgeoning hope to our struggling lives. If we could somehow manage just one more hit, we tell ourselves; and then one more, and another after that, and another, then we will have conquered time.
And then we will be young forever.
Lists
Introducing a new periodic feature..."Lists"
Four major acts recently booked at the new Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines:1. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers/Black Crowes, July 18
2. "American Idols Live," featuring Nikko Smith, Aug. 28
3. Green Day/Jimmy Eat World, Sept. 17
4. Paul McCartney, Oct. 27
Nine great TV series DVDs due this spring:1. Cheers, Season 5, May 17
2. The Golden Girls, Season 2, May 17
3. M*A*S*H, Season 8, May 24
4. Chappelle's Show, Season 2, May 24
5. Newsradio, Seasons 1&2, May 24
6. Moonlighting, Seasons 1&2, May 31
7. The Sopranos, Season 5, June 7
8. Northern Exposure, Season 3, June 14
9. Oz, Season 5, June 21
Five couples who have a better shot than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of staying together until 'death do them part:'1. Jennifer Wilbanks and John Mason
2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
3. Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen
4. Chris Moeller and
Sade5. Jeff Gannon and
Senator Rick Santorum23 Major League baseball teams with a better winning percentage than the Yankees:Baltimore, Toronto, Boston, Chicago (AL), Minnesota, Detroit, Los Angeles (AL), Oakland, Texas, Seattle, Florida, Atlanta, Washington, New York (NL), Philadelphia, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Chicago (NL), Houston, Los Angeles (NL), Arizona, San Francisco, and San Diego.
Twelve celebrities who have torn off the numbers for the countdown of remaining games to be played at Busch Stadium, with corresponding number:#81- Jackie Smith, former football Cardinals star
#80- Isaac Bruce, Rams WR
#79- Fredbird (born in 1979)
#78- Rick Hummel, St. Louis sportswriter
#77- Ken Griffey, Jr., Cincinnati outfielder who hit his 500th career home run at Busch
#76- Ted Simmons, former Cards All-Star catcher
#75- Jay Randolph, former Cards broadcaster
#74- Gary Gaetti, former Cards thirdbaseman
#73- Harry Keough, soccer Hall of Famer and former SLU soccer coach
#72- Walt Jocketty, Cards general manager
#71- Bob Uecker, former Cardinal and Mr. Baseball
#70- Ken Dayley, former Cards relief pitcher
Ten greatest TV characters of all-time in descending order:10. George Oscar Bluth II ("GOB"), Arrested Development
9. Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons
8. Les Nessman, WKRP in Cincinnati
7. Calamity Jane, Deadwood
6. Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners
5. Barney Fife, The Andy Griffith Show
4. David Addison, Moonlighting
3. Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
2. Carmela Soprano, The Sopranos
1. Louie DePalma, Taxi
Jennifer Wilbanks, will you marry me?
There is a collection of much-vilified, slightly off-center people in this country who, entirely inadvertently, have been doing us all a giant favor. They are the fabricators. Several weeks ago, a woman made up a story about finding a finger in her sandwich at the local franchise of a well-known fast-food chain restaurant. Last week, two young men spun a fictional tale for reporters about how they came to find buried treasure. And then, most recently and famously, a woman faked her own kidnapping to escape her wedding day.
After each instance, a herd of lazy journalists raced into action. Each unsubstantiated report was met by an eager audience in the news media, ready to roll with any outlandish claim hurled from the general citizenry, anxious to blow it completely out of proportion in service to the 24 hour-a-day cable news tail now vigorously wagging the nation's dog.
Thank you, Jennifer Wilbanks, for fleeing your fiancee on the eve of your special day, and for making our nation's fourth estate look so foolish yet again. I'm reminded of that classic M*A*S*H exchange--- Frank Burns: "Why did you do that?" Hawkeye: "To help you look foolish." Burns: "I don't need
your help."
I'm now rooting for these stories. If I get to watch the talking twats on CNN attempt to explain away their gullibility three days after jumping headfirst into these "human interest" stories, than watching the initial report is worth my time and energy.
I blame Barbara Walters for the train wreck that is modern American journalism. She's the one who taught the audience how to "feel" the news. Now, Walters-style news is all we get-- celebrity and picture-driven stories designed to tug at our heartstrings. We have stories that affect maybe a hundred people being elevated to equal status with news of Congressional action and the Iraqi war.
How bad has it become?
This bad.I've also taken perverse pleasure this week from watching the people of Duluth, GA look so foolish in their desperate grab for national attention. Do you get the sense like I do that their anger at Wilbanks has more to do with the fact that she's still alive? By coming home safe, she's deprived them of a Dixie edition of the Scott Peterson trial. Let me put this succinctly-- if you are at a vigil for a person you've never met, and you were reasonably assured that television cameras would be at that vigil before you left the house, than you are at that vigil in an attempt to justify your own meaningless existence.
But, you ask, what about the $100,000 spent by the city of Duluth in the search for Wilbanks? Well, it turns out the "Runaway Bride" (clever label) bought a Greyhound bus ticket to Las Vegas seven days before leaving. What kind of six-figure missing person investigation doesn't include a visit to the counter of the local bus terminal? It's utter hysteria by all parties involved.
And just why, exactly, was Wilbanks running away? This is the question everyone's trying to answer. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the groom-to-be is the type of guy who would grant his exclusive first interview after the incident to Fox News' Hannity and Colmes.
Keep running, Wilbanks. Keep running.
Moeller TV Listings 5/2
The greatest talk show guest of our time, Martin Short, lights up the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater, tonight on the Late Show.
His act will be as follows...
1) He'll come out theatrically, bowing. "Thanks for remembering," he'll bellow.
2) He'll tell Dave how great he looks, how youthful. A variation on "Is it the botox?" "Is it the ab-rolling?" Then, he will liken him to a young Hollywood star, such as Haley Joel Osment.
3) His set varies, but it will reference Paul Shaffer and their native Canada, with a brief impression of the Late Show bandleader; and it will encompass one or two show business anecdotes with other impressions. He'll be promoting his new Jiminy Glick film.
4) His finish, probably in a second segment, will be prompted by Dave, "Will you sing a song for us?" He will respond with phony humility, "Do
they want
me to sing?" Big applause from the audience. The microphone will be on the cushion of the second guest chair. He will ask Dave if he can sing the song to Dave on his desk. Dave will prefer that he sing it over on the stage. Marty will call Dave "Pappy," make up a story about the first time he and Dave met ("During a production of 'such and such.'")
Then he'll say "You know, in my business, or should I say,
our business..." He'll do a quick Liza Minnelli impression in which he says he hopes he can finish the song despite its strong emotional content. ("Oh, silly emotion.")
5) He'll sing a song he wrote himself based on a recognizable melody.
6) A big finish to commercial, probably with dancers and/or confetti.
