MTF XIV
Moeller Television Festival XIV arrives today in Cedar Rapids. It's an annual tradition on the blog to publish the greetings that Aaron and I write for the festival programs. We're the co-founders of the event and here they are...To participate in today’s caucus, you must be registered to vote and be 18 years or older by the date of the general election in November. If you are not registered, you can get a card by seeing Gretta Bromley. She’s wearing a green smock, a Gary Bauer button, and inadvertently, her wig backwards.
Once the caucus is called to order, party leaders (that’s not you, stay seated) take care of general business, including the election of a chairperson, a secretary, behavior auditors, and somebody to supervise the E-meter. After a performance of the Battle Hymn of the Republic by our precinct’s Log Cabin Crossing Guards, the caucus is ready to begin.
You will first divide according to your initial candidate of preference. Those of you supporting the Paul Tsongas/Miami Sound Machine presidential ticket are here on the wrong year. We’ll give you a moment to file out. The number of state delegates in play is proportional to the number of votes received in a state primary or caucus, but federal law doesn’t dictate how states choose their delegates so we decided on a variation of the car key game used at suburban wife-swapping parties. After the first vote has been recorded, a splinter group of the party has asked to address the gathering in the form of public counter-accusations of personal wrongdoing and thinly-disguised physical threats—also, forced abortions, if the opportunity presents itself.
Next is the In Memorium video segment. Longtime party member Ruth Stockman died this past summer of an extreme case of chapped lips. She was the head of our internet spamming division. Her son, Mark, is joining us today to try to get some attention.
Still delaying the final vote on the presidential nominee so that you can’t leave, we will then discuss planks to the party platform. This year, our pre-submitted proposals include eliminating the community’s 9-1-1 emergency system, opposing the Treaty of Versailles, endorsing the eight-hour work day, and encouraging the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Because this is a presidential year, there will be coffee provided.
The final, binding vote to elect our party’s presidential candidate comes last so have your car keys ready at this time. Then, on your way out the door with your new life partner, please do not speak to the media. It is important that party communication be consistent at all times and that selective disclosure be avoided at all costs. Failure to stay silent may result in significant liability for the party, and lead to a repeat of the UFO religion affair.
Please remember that this event is considered the first true test of the presidential race, and is, therefore, vitally important to our state and to our party. Please stand with pride tonight during party pride standing hour, for ours is the political engine that got Bobby Brown out of New Edition, wrecked the marriage of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, and single-handedly keeps the ION television network on the air.
Hugs,
Chris Moeller
Party Comandante and official spell-checker
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Moeller Television Festival Historical Lists by Aaron Moeller
6 Most Frequently Screened Shows at Moeller Television Festivals
Late Night/The Late Show w/David Letterman (10 times)
The Simpsons (10 times)
Cheers (8)
Newsradio (8- counting this year)
Taxi (8)
WKRP in Cincinnati (8)
4 Shows With Highest Percentage of Total Series Episodes Screened
Mr. Show with Bob and David 13.3%
WKRP in Cincinnati 8.9%
Newsradio 8.2%
Arrested Development 7.4%
6 Great Shows Never Screened at a Moeller Television Festival
The Wire
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Night Court
The Mary Tyler Moore Show (until this year)
4 Shows That May Surprise You Have Been Screened
Family Feud
The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder
The Muppet Show
60 Minutes (three times)
5 Big TV Stars You've Never Heard Of
Tom Selleck
Jimmie “Dy-no-mite!” Walker
Abraham Kardashian
Marlee Matlin's interpreter
Bob Hope
5 Actors with Big, Infectious Laughs
Roseanne
Ricky Gervais
Alan Alda
Robin Williams
Horshack
5 Things You Could Be Doing Right Now
Volunteering at a hospital
Volunteering with Meals on Wheels
Volunteering with The Boys and Girls Club
Refilling your drink
Refilling my drink
Aaron's 5 Funniest People (after Woody Allen and Steve Martin)
Todd Barry
Ricky Gervais
Jonathan Katz
Tracy Morgan
Kevin Nealon
The 5 People Aaron Thinks Chris Would Say Are the Funniest
David Letterman
Martin Short
Tina Fey
That guy from that one movie that Chris thinks also might have been on Mad TV
Himself
4 Facts About the Moeller Television Festival
1. The first four festivals were two-day events.
2. For years a party sub from Subway was a mainstay at each festival.
3. The first episode presented at the first festival was the Cheers where Cliff Clavin competes on Jeopardy.
4. Three people have died of natural causes at Moeller Television Festivals, two people were killed off by George RR Martin, one died heroically and melodramatically on Grey’s Anatomy, two babies were born, and one was conceived during an episode of The Bob Newhart Show.
posted by CM @ 7:43 AM
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