The Chris Moeller Archives

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, an entertainment center made of wood with lovely shutters. It came from Target and I had to assemble it myself. One of the doors sticks but it's not my fault. We don't really exchange gifts. It’s our one and only gift for each other, from both of us to the house. We were hoping that the remote controls for the cable and the DVD player would work through the shutters, as there are sizable gaps between the boards, but alas, they don’t, so one of the two shutters will likely be open perpetually.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a private concert of two songs, performed by her along with the recent Adele television special on NBC. She DVR’ed it on December 4th. My true love didn’t intend this impromptu performance as a gift, I don’t think, but she has a nice voice, much better than she thinks she does. The door on the entertainment center was still sticking.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three nibbles from her panini. If not for these bites, my lunch would have consisted entirely of grapes and half a pomegranate. I’m trying to work off the fleet of reindeer-shaped sugar cookies I ate on Christmas Day. We sang songs in the evening to drown out the squeak from the door of the entertainment center.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four admonishments for failing to take the garbage downstairs. My excuse was that the bin under the sink was not yet overflowing, and the discarded gift wrap had effectively buried the discarded, insect-attracting pomegranate peel. As Adele played on the iPod, filling the living room, I thought about sanding down the door of the entertainment center.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, FIVE TEXT MESSAGES. This was the day we both had to go back to work, but it was worth getting out of the house to avoid the spilled garbage and the squeaky home decor.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six new Christmas gifts purchased for loved ones on the family credit cards. We still have one Christmas party ahead of us, and the smart money waits to shop for them until the post-holiday sales kick in, but it’s still a lot. My true love texted me from across the Best Buy that she had found Adele’s latest for 30 percent off.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven gallons of gas for my Honda Civic. I drove the CR-V to work to get the oil changed as I work close to the dealer, and my true love texted me to tell me she politely topped off my tank in exchange. I keep a cleaner car than she does, though. She left behind some grape stems, and also changed my radio station to the one that repeats the same Adele song once an hour.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine toothbrushes. That’s way too many brushes, but she was at Costco, and that’s what winds up happening when you shop there. A product like that I’ll use up eventually. The number of toothbrushes purchased did not match the numbered day of the Christmas season, but I’m not just going to make shit up for this blog post.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love and I saw very little of each other. She worked a second shift at work, and I did my normal 8 to 5. She did not buy me a gift on that date, but I had no expectation that she would. I didn’t get her anything either. As I mentioned, we don’t even really exchange gifts for Christmas. We just buy something for the house and then I try to assemble it accurately.

On the tenth day of Christmas, it didn’t really feel like Christmas anymore. I know that the holiday technically begins on December 25th, but that’s according to a traditional church calendar. The first day of Christmas actually terminates the Christmas marketing season for merchants. The tenth day is January 3rd. Local children have gone back to school, and my true love and I debated how much longer before we pack away the tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the winter doldrums set in. We went on Hotwire and looked for a deal that would get us out of Iowa and to someplace tropical without breaking the bank. I have two weeks of vacation time I need to use before my anniversary date at work in April, but my true love doesn’t have accrued vacation yet. We could probably swing a week.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I checked the credit card statements online against our holiday receipts. I found forgotten expenses from Dillards and HomeGoods, and I’m wondering how we spent as much as we did during December. I knew we were going to want to spend later on a winter get-away, but the total cost of Christmas always sneaks up on you. I had an Adele song stuck in my head on the twelfth day, and the squeak in the entertainment center door now brayed harshly, like eleven pipers piping. I had a chat with my true love, and we decided that next year, we’ll set a more precise budget. The Twelvetide can be stressful, and the holiday too commercial. Bring on the next liturgical season. 

posted by CM @ 7:21 PM