The Chris Moeller Archives

Ten Slate headlines, ranked

In the age of the “click-bait” online business model, let’s check in on the progress of one popular site: Slate.com. Are these headlines "click"-able to you? Come along.

Headline #10. “The Next Great Wine… Made in China?”
This headline is pretty weak. It’s attempting to appeal to a new conventionally-held media wisdom that the next great everything will be originating from the fledgling Eastern Empire of the People’s Republic. One in a thousand Americans is an authority on wine, but one in ten wants you to think he is, so this headline might be bait for your typical web surfer with middle-brow taste that Slate desperately wants to associate itself with.

9. “A Brief History of Diagramming Sentences”
Maybe this should be 10. Are they for real? I must be in the 1/10th of one percent of internet users that might be interested in this topic, and I’m not.

8. “Why is No Among a Child’s First Words?”
Another headline fail. It’s not intriguing enough. The answer to the question is already clear without reading further: Physical and verbal helplessness requires a baby to learn very basic conveyances to let a caretaker know his or her basic desires and dislikes. The only reason I would click on this story would be to see why what’s incredibly obvious may not be that obvious. But then I need to be told briefly why it’s not obvious.

7. “The Weather is Horrible Today Pretty Much Everywhere”
I’m sure you know by now that “the weather” is that one topic that everybody complains about, but then does nothing about—and this headline was accompanied by a color-coded temperature map of the United States, but I feel like I just saw this story elsewhere on the web one day last month. It’s the middle of winter by now. And I can see on the map that there are “cold” colors like blue and purple across almost the whole U.S. map. Freshen it up, Slate.

6. “Five Ways Drones Could Do Some Good in 2014”
If you’re familiar with Slate, you probably recognize that this headline represents the site at its frequent, trolling worst—an online site pandering to the ruling elite while pretending to be audacious. This headline’s gonna get some clicks, but not one from me. If I wanted to read tired old propositions boosting the imperial state but masquerading as forward-thinking subversiveness, I’d do a quick search for Thomas Friedman’s latest column.

5. “College Students’ Thesis Topics Are Hilarious, Depressing”
Now we’re getting somewhere. This headline is very straight-forward, of course, but it’s for a story capable of selling itself. On just a few occasions I have attended a graduate school commencement ceremony, and when I do, I get a kick out of reading the individual thesis topics printed in the commencement program. If this is a thing you like, then here's that thing you like.

4. “I Deleted Everything From My Facebook Timeline. It Felt Wonderful”
Here’s an exciting testimonial. Most of us spend time on Facebook. Just as many of us are at least mildly aggrieved by our Facebook experience. Should I clear my Timeline? Maybe this article will help me decide!

3. “Don’t Panic, But An Asteroid We Didn’t Even Know About Probably Hit Earth Last Night” 
This is closer to what Slate does most expertly: In this case, framing a story about “science” that would be on page eight of any major daily newspaper and making it a must-read for dum-dums like me. I haven't even clicked yet and I’m thinking, shit, should I blow off my bowling night later in the week?

2. “Help! My Daughter Is in Love With My Son’s Boyfriend”
This headline belongs to the weekly piece from Slate’s advice columnist, and that column's weekly headline is almost always provocative. Notice how I seem to fall hardest for headlines that begin with dramatic phrases like “Don’t Panic” or “Help!”

1. “The Safe, Free, Readily Available Therapy for Most Major Diseases”
Here’s today’s gold standard—the reason that Slate is only a hair away, journalistically, from being Star Magazine. When you see a headline like this one, normally while in the grocery store check-up line, don’t you wonder why the news outlet’s competitors don’t also pick it up and run with it. Seems like this one could be bigger than “Nixon Resigns.” Tomorrow morning when you check back in with Slate, maybe this one?: “The Long-awaited Cure for Cancer?”

posted by CM @ 9:01 PM