The Chris Moeller Archives

NOT WORTH THE DOUGH

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Name Brand Breakfast cereal-- There's a product at my supermarket called "Magic Marshmallows." It's a dollar and a half cheaper than the equal size box of "Lucky Charms." Same exact thing.

Expensive Pens-- I've only received upscale pens as gifts, but I've never in my life had one that works for more than a month or two. Buy yourself a 12-pack of Bic Ultra Round Stic Grips for $2.50, don't allow people to walk off with them, and you're good to go for the next decade.

Premium Gasoline-- I'm sure some gearheads will quibble, but I've been buying the cheapest unleaded gasoline at the pump now for 20 years, and I've run every car I've owned to over 140,000 miles.

Fast Food "Combo Meals"-- They're just giving you the soda for free, and that costs them virtually nothing. Don't get suckered. Skip the soda and order a cup of ice water. Soda doesn't quench your thirst anyway. It's syrup. It was originally designed to be a sugary treat like ice cream. A some-of-the-time delicacy. Not a lifestyle. A bonus will be that you might save on the risk of diabetes.

Hardcover Books-- I don't understand the appeal. The paperbacks are cheaper and preferable in every way. I find they have a more durable spine and they're not as heavy to hold. For those times when you're in a hurry to read a new book before it's been released in paperback form, go to the library and check out a copy. If you can't get a copy reserved at your local library because the only books you read are currently being read by half of the rest of the country, start being your own person.

Generic Medications-- These are identical to name brand drugs, except that the name brands have lost their exclusive patent. Same active ingredients, still subject to government regulation. The mark-up we pay on name brands goes strictly towards the cost of "marketing," and frankly, I've never been sure why a drug like Viagra, for example, requires an expensive ad campaign. Better sex sells itself, no? That's the beauty of the best drugs out there. Notice that heroin dealers don't buy 30 second spots on television, and they still do just fine.

A Night at the Movie Theater-- Movies suck. Programming on TV is better. And tickets, concessions, gas, and babysitting are all terribly expensive. All the good writers work principally in television, and have for the last decade-- David Milch, David Simon, Lena Dunham, Graham Yost, David Chase, Tina Fey, Dan Harmon, Seth MacFarland, Matt Weiner, Mike White. At this point, movies have more in common with amusement parks than they do television, and you are too old to still be going to movies about superheroes.

Tithing-- Why are all of America's churches getting larger when the economy is getting smaller?

Newspapers and Pay Walls-- We live in the golden age of citizen-powered news media (if you know where to look), and the irony is that there's almost an exactly inverse relationship between the amount of money you spend on media and the quality of actual, independent, uncompromised information you get in return. Pay for an internet connection at your home and pay nothing more in your life for news and information.

Fancy Hotels-- Unless the hotel is the destination itself, go cheap so that you can go more often. During most of your stay, you'll be out of the room, and most of the time you're in the room, your eyes will be closed. That being said, make sure you have temperature control and sanitary conditions.

Field Box Seats at Busch Stadium-- You pay $75 for a game. I'll sit in the Loge Level above first base and see three games for that same price.

Political Campaign Contributions-- Let's say you give $50 to a candidate. Then 700,000 of you and your fellow citizens are worth one Sheldon Adelson. Face facts, patriot: You are completely meaningless to the political process except for your willingness to cause havoc in the streets. They're laughing at you.

WORTH THE PREMIUM

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Travel, in General-- Nobody remarks upon their death bed, "I traveled too much." Invest in this as much as your schedule allows, and then go even a little beyond that.

Name Brand Batteries-- Longer lasting. You get what you pay for with this product.

High-Grade Narcotics-- You're not just paying for added happiness, you're also paying for a certain measure of safety in an unregulated industry.

Organic Food-- Nobody factors in the future price of health care when they're throwing the cheapest crap into their grocery cart. Invest in your body for savings later. It's all in my book.

Buying Local-- Support local businesses with all your might. Not only because it's the right thing to do, but because more of this money will eventually pass back through your hands.

The Undercoating-- I can't stress this enough.

Home Box Office-- Art enriches us the way travel does, and the best art in story form exists this generation on premium cable. (It's not even TV.) I know it's tempting to watch each of these shows later as part of the Netflix subscription you've already shelled out for, but we live in an era in which there's an instant national dialogue online about every television program, and it makes the shows so much more fun to watch when you're watching the episodes in time with the rest of the world.

The More Expensive Sushi Rolls-- I know it's tempting to go with only the $6 Salmon and Tuna Rolls, but the Dragon and Volcano Rolls of this world, at double the price, will be the best plates of food you've ever had. Tonight, we live dammit!