The Chris Moeller Archives

When you gotta go

If only Idaho Republican Senator and closet-case Larry Craig had a wide stance on gay rights instead of just a "wide stance" in public bathroom stalls while cruising for oral sex.

Senator Craig this week says that he now regrets pleading guilty in court to the charge of soliciting sex in an airport bathroom back in June, and that that his actions in the toilet stall that spring day were misconstrued by an undercover police officer. Craig was not, in fact, tapping his foot and then moving it closer to the foot of the stranger in the adjoining stall to signal a desire for fellatio. He simply uses "a wide stance," you see, when he urinates. Craig then blamed his original guilty plea on public pressure from an Idaho newspaper-- the senator apparently having been the first heterosexual man in world history wrongly accused of a homosexual act to plead guilty "in hopes of making it go away."

No one in America actually believes Craig, of course. Not after Jeff Gannon, the Reverend Ted Haggard, Representative Mark Foley, and John McCain's former campaign co-chair in the state of Florida. Not after years of suspicion, accusations, and clumsy denials on the part of Craig about his sexual orientation.

Should Americans care one way or the other which direction Craig's peeter teeters, as Rip Torn's character on "Larry Sanders" once so eloquently put it? You're damn right they should because our tolerance and sympathy for the senator's guilt and shame over his sexual and biological imperative ends where his legislative persecution of his fellow homosexuals begins.

First, this isn't a case involving Craig's private bedroom behavior, it's a case that involves a public restroom and an arrest by a municipal law enforcement official. For another thing, we have a modern political climate in which homosexuals are completely unwelcome within the tent of one of the two major political parties, and in the other major party, the de facto presidential nominee for 2008 believes that second class citizenship in matters of marriage should be a matter for that last great refuge of the bigots in their defense of "liberty"-- state's rights.

The "closeted gay homophobe" has become a common-- almost tired-- cliche in political circles, but the latest incident speaks again to the level of self-hate that fuels so much of the "family values," moralizing garbage in the culture... and just for the record, Robert Theobald of Comprehensive Colorectal Care, in today's Slate, says that if you fellas are having trouble passing stools, you should take the opposite of a wide stance at the toilet. Lean back. It relaxes the bowel muscles.

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Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog in her will. That's more dough than a Maltese could ever truly need. I hope she gives some of it to Michael Vick's canine victims.

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One St. Louis Cardinals player deserves special props for his role in boosting the club back into division contention during the month of August. Super-closer Jason Isringhausen refused to waive his no-trade clause and be dealt away at the trade deadline July 31st, saying that he wanted to stay close to his hometown (Brighton, IL), and that he wanted to see the club make another run at the top, a prospect which seemed remarkably dim at the time. This type of player action is typically and cynically interpreted as a product of selfishness and/or is quickly forgotten, but the Cards' all-time saves leader, I believe, is "jones-ing" for something special. He suffered from a bum hip late last season and was forced to watch from the sidelines during the team's post-season championship run. Even modest justice for the ultra-professional Isringhausen translates into another Cards' title this October.

posted by CM @ 8:23 PM