The Chris Moeller Archives

The 49th Annual Grammy Awards

You're in for a treat. A delicious morsel of entertainment journalism. I decided to blog the Grammy Awards for the first time-- dishing the dirt and grooving with the tunes. I ask that you keep in mind from the start, however, that this event timeline of tonight's proceedings comes from a man who believes American music peaked just around the time that the Grammys began, when Frank, Dean, Sammy, Ella, Basie, Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Patsy Cline, Ray Charles, Peggy Lee, and Nat Cole were all at their height.

I don't pretend to be expert on today's musical scene-- hell, I just worked myself up to Carole King's "Tapestry" this weekend-- but God help me I love fashion and red carpets, and I've heard reports that someone or some-ones just brought sexy back. And I don't promise an improvement upon my Oscar night reportages. The Grammys often don't leave much to go on. They're like the Oscars, but the awards are more arbitrary. The presenters' gags are even flatter (if that's possible), and the victors' speeches are even more poorly planned and executed. They're kind of like the Super Bowl, also-- with Prince, but dryer.

Regardless, the evening shook out this way...

6:59pm (central)-- "Ladies and gentleman, we are the Police, and we are back," shouted lead singer Sting, announcing the band's reunion tonight on national television. The P.R. stunt is the biggest gift the English rocker has given CBS since he sold "Brand New Day" to the Early Show.

7:03-- Jamie Foxx announces the winners for Best Pop Collaboration: Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder for their duet on the classic they both recorded separately decades ago-- "For Once in My Life." Alright. Two of my favorites, and probably yours too. We're off to a flying start. Stevie thanks his mother, and Tony thanks his son, who produced the record...and Target stores.

7:08-- The Dixie Chicks perform "Not Ready to Make Nice." More Grammy action from artists who appear on my CD shelf.

7:22-- You'll have to take my word for it, but I predicted out loud in my solitary apartment when they called Mary J. Blige's name for Best R&B something or other, that the first person she would thank would be Jesus. She truly gives one of the worst acceptance speeches of all-time: fawning praise for the almighty, followed by a kind of up yours to anyone who didn't believe in her, and then a lengthy, tiresome list of friends, collaborators, and business agents we've never heard of. I hope Blige never wins an Oscar.

7:36-- Justin Timberlake sings into a handheld camera that he's holding himself. What's the desired effect of this? I can see his zits.

7:47-- Corrine Bailey Rae, the artist most likely to knock Norah Jones out of the featured compact disc display at the coffee counter of your local Barnes and Noble, performs with Johns Mayer and Legend.

8:09-- Song of the Year goes to the Dixie Chicks and Dan Wilson for "Not Ready to Make Nice." It's fitting, I believe, since it was the only contender banned from major radio stations during the year. It's a shame America's uneasiness with the Bill of Rights forced the Chicks to cancel so many of their shows this summer, including the one in Des Moines. The cut to commercial has a fade on a couple of "cowboys" in the audience, dressed in black, not smiling, arms folded. Evidently they're not ready to make nice, either.

8:17-- I settle onto the couch with a bottle of Bud Select. The Gnarls Barkley duo perform their hit "Crazy"dressed as commercial airline pilots and with a military march drumlead.

8:33-- Mary J. Blige performs. In her song intro, she makes reference to the valleys she's experienced in her life and career. I have no idea what she's talking about. The Blige portions of the telecast require subtitles, or maybe a few of those old VH1 pop-up bubbles.

8:39-- The Dixie Chicks win Best Country Album. From a social standpoint, the Chicks are the only interesting thing about the Grammys this year. Not just because of the political subtext of their music, but because they so easily embody the strange gulf between Hollywood and Nashville, and in a way, two Americas. Natalie Maines let loose with the Nelson laugh from "The Simpsons" when they won this category. It's going to be a long night for country radio.

8:47-- Reba McIntire, smiling wide, introduces a country segment. Carrie Underwood sings the late Bob Wills' "San Antonio Rose." Then she launches into an Eagles medley with Rascal Flatts. I put the TV on mute during this segment and returned to my new Carole King.

9:08-- Lionel Richie follows Smokey Robinson in an R&B medley with 17-year-old Chris Brown. Nicole's father performs "Hello," hearkening back the Grammys of 1984, the formative awards show of my youth.

9:16-- The Showstopper: The moment we've all been waiting for. Shall we take just a moment now to reflect upon one Christina Aguilera, who awakens so many "dirrty" feelings within us all. She belts out "It's a Man's World" in tribute to the late James Brown, and when she's finished, I've never been less sure of anything in my life. Her performance then requires me to take a 10 minute viewing break, and I miss the Music Academy's lecture on arts funding in the schools.

9:26-- The musical obituaries include Anita O'Day, Ruth Brown, Billy Preston, Buck Owens, Ahmet Ertegun, one of the Papas, and finally, the Godfather of Soul himself. His old right hand man ends the segment by draping the legend's cape over a microphone at center stage.

9:40-- When are they going to get to the rock-n-roll awards? There's really no rock-n-roll left, you see. James Blunt, the Leo Sayer of the new millennium, performs his hit "Beautiful," defying every viewer across America not to attempt their own James Blunt impression.

9:46-- I flip the channel and catch a few minutes of the cock-fighting episode of "Seinfeld"

9:57-- The Dixie Chicks claim Record of the Year. It's going to be difficult for them not to make nice after tonight.

10:09-- Would it kill the Grammys to let Tony Bennett perform sometime? He's been with CBS Records for 50 years. He's a fixture on the annual telecast, a frequent winner in the untelevised categories, but only ever used as a presenter. He's selling a hell of a lot more records these days than Smokey Robinson. Or the Police, for that matter.

10:12-- The voice-over guy said a half hour ago that we'd all be talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers performance on Monday, but all that happened was the release of some confetti in the auditorium.

10:13-- The husband of explicit-rock-lyrics critic Tipper Gore presents the winner of Rock Album of the Year.

10:22-- Don Henley and Scarlett Johansson's breasts arrive on stage to announce that the Dixie Chicks have also claimed Album of the Year. On the whole, no complaints here. Judge for yourself, however. Was it a better selection of winners than those of the first Grammy telecast?

Oscars in two weeks.

posted by CM @ 6:07 PM