The Chris Moeller Archives

Greetings from TV Fest, Part II

This week, I'm publishing for the first time on-line the program "greetings" my brother Aaron and I have written for the first five Moeller TV Festivals. "Cinco de Moeller" will be held this Saturday and Sunday in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Tonight, our sophomore efforts:


2003- May 17th and 18th, Des Moines, IA, 7 people in attendance:

Welcome! Glad you made it. How was your drive? Did you make good time? Did you take a left on Cottage Grove, or come down High Street? I should have said something about the construction. ML King has been torn up since last spring. Oh well, you're here now. That's what's important. You're looking good.. you know, buff. Like you've been working out. I hear that. Can I take your coat? Why the hell are you wearing a coat? It's the middle of May.

It seems like only a year ago that we all gathered here for the first ever Moeller Television Festival. In actuality, it's only been 330 days. THE LONGEST 330 DAYS OF MY LIFE! Am I right, people?

You could have cut the tension with a knife around here during the last month. We've struggled with the programming schedule, the menu, the place settings; and the task was made that much tougher by the new city zoning restrictions. It was Aaron's therapist that got the ball rolling. He suggested the first show. Or, rather, he helped Aaron "recover" the first show. The rest fell into place. We think we've come up with a product that will make last year's festival look like a transsexual rodeo. We hope you'll agree.

I meant what I said before. Glad you made it.
Chris

THE CHRIS MOELLER APARTMENT RULES OF ETIQUETTE

Rule #1: And this is number one for a reason. Don't touch Chris' ceramic bunnies. They're not yours.

Rule #2: While you're here, do not refer to this event as a "hoop-dee-doo," or a "foo-fer-all." It's demeaning to the process.

Rule #3: Last year's leg wrestling competition was a happy accident and never designed to become festival tradition.

Rule #4: Ignore the protesters outside. Chris' apartment is a private residence, and Chris alone reserves the right to exclude entire nationalities of his choosing.

Rule #5: I will cry during the Johnny Carson/Bette Midler scene. Don't tease me.

Rule #6: This program is not a coaster.

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MOELLER TV FESTIVAL: THE TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY

TV Festival was born a coal miner's daughter, in a cabin on a hill in Butcher Holler. They were poor but they had love. That's the one thing that Daddy made sure of. He shoveled coal to make a poor man's dollar.

After those early years of poverty and hardship, a still youthful TV Festival suffered the inevitable fate of many Kentucky-born children, when she was sold into white slavery. She was purchased (and later formally adopted) by a gentleman farmer, Tom Moeller of Newhall, Iowa. Like Tom's twin boys, Aaron and Chris, the (now-named) Moeller TV Festival was raised in a relatively happy home, despite being strict Scientologists. Their home was always filled with the laughter of family and friends as the three Moeller children frequently enjoyed the company of classmates, who could be counted on to take full advantage of the Moeller family swimming pool, always under the guise of legitimate friendship. However, it was ultimately the family television that held the children in its cathode-tube sway.

At the age of 18, the twins opted to waste four of their few remaining years on this planet by attending state universities, but TV Festival decided to make her way to Hollywood, where she had long dreamed of becoming an actress and meeting her hero, Kirstie Alley. But life in the California sunshine wasn't easy for an attractive young festival, who soon found herself a cog in the Hollywood star-making machine.

Temptations were everywhere. A childhood fascination with Stupid Pet Tricks soon turned into a dangerous gambling addiction. And it was on one of her frequent trips to Las Vegas that she would first gain notoriety. There she met and fell in love with the high profile Sundance Film Festival. It was a tempestuous relationship that would bring her love, marriage, recognition, fame, then ultimately, ruin. They divorced in 1998 with both parties citing irreconcilable differences, though the tabloids put the blame elsewhere-- an alleged TV Festival lesbian affair with Anne Heche. What no one argues though is that by the Festivus Holiday of 1999, TV Festival had hit rock bottom, when she was discovered on the streets of Tijuana, clearly confused and mumbling incoherently about the under-appreciated comic chemistry between Herb Tarlek and Les Nessman.

It was then that her adopted family was contacted and an intervention was planned. Brother Aaron, already in town to follow up on some anonymous letters he had written to Jennifer Love Hewitt, convinced her to return to the relative stability of the Moeller's Iowa life.

Today, she lives quietly and sober, content to be a big fish in a little pond. She regrets nothing, except (obviously) the thing with Anne Heche. She welcomes you today to the 2nd Annual.



Robert Blake, Anne Heche... Aaron's references are timeless. Tomorrow, the epic move to Cedar Rapids, and the end of the "summer" festival.

posted by CM @ 8:50 PM