Intern night: Baseball, by the numbers
The Man could use another night off from writing, so instead, I've turned the CM Archives over to our summer interns for the evening. These diligent interns have been scouring the web on my behalf in search of the wild and the wonderful in the world of baseball. Take it away, gang...By Bill Yepsen, 22, Laredo, TX:
Mr. Moeller, I remember you were a passionate advocate for Albert Pujols as mid-season NL MVP, and you gave him your All-Star vote the maximum number of times allowed by the league and the Ameriquest Mortgage Company. I've been keeping an eye on Pujols and the Cubs' Derrek Lee since the break, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what I found...
(2nd half thru Tuesday)
Lee-- 33 games, .271 BA, 22 runs scored, 8 home runs, 17 RBI
Pujols-- 30 games, .336 BA, 31 runs scored, 11 home runs, 25 RBI
By Angela Stuart, 21, Lansing, MI:
Mr. Moeller, One day at lunch (your treat,) you mentioned that you were blown away by the "substandard play" (your phrase) in the National League West. I've taken the liberty of comparing the West-leading Padres to other division leaders. On Wednesday morning, San Diego would have trailed the East-leading Braves and the AL West-leading Angels by 10 games each. That was the closest they stood to any of the first place clubs.
Here are the other deficits...
Boston- -11 games
St. Louis- -16 games
Chicago (AL)- -16 games
By Folasade Idachaba, 23, Abuja, Nigeria:
Mr. Moeller, During one of our moonlight walks, you remarked that it seemed like the Cardinals had a much better road record than other National League teams. Turns out you were right. And how!
Cardinals road record thru Tuesday: 37-21
The next best NL team (Florida): 28-30
A difference of 9 games
By Theodore Hill, 22, Lansing, MI:
Mr. Moeller, While spotting you on the bench press last week, you cracked several funny jokes about the Royals and the poor season they're having. Just how bad is the Royals' season so far? They won only 38 of their first 101 games, and then they dropped 18 in a row. With the loss today, Kansas City's magic number to be eliminated in the AL Central division race is 9. And it's only August 17th, Sir!
By Michael Ng, 23, Eugene, OR:
Mr. Moeller, I know how much you really despise the Yankees. You told me as much the other day when I was checking your hair for ticks. So you'll get a kick out of this. After spending $65 million this year on just the Opening Day starting pitching rotation alone, the Yankees have been forced to use 26 pitchers. That's more than any other team in the Majors. At least, they can afford them all, right, Mr. Moeller?
CM, again:
You got that right, Mikey. Great work. Great work by all. I hope you readers enjoyed the efforts of the intern staff tonight. You'll be pleased to know that we've found full-time positions for three of these five fine young people, and made referrals for the others. (Look for Theodore's work on the Rosie O'Donnell blog.) Back soon.
posted by CM @ 9:43 PM
5 Comments:
How bogus is this? You expect us to believe that these people all willingly called you Mr. Moeller. What sort of weapon were you holding as they typed?
The other sign that this is all fake - one of them said you paid for their meal!! That hasn't happened since the time you thought you had won the lottery. Only later did you realize that the "ticket" you had was actually Rex Hudler's APBA card. It was an understandable mistake since neither that card nor a lottery ticket would have any numbers that start with a zero.
I'll just write off the lunch.
I never thought Rosie O'Donnell was funny until I saw her website. I don't get it. She writes little musings everyday but it's all in this weird poetic verse? Chris, I think you should try this, as it will lend emotional credibility to your observations.
Below is my favorite Rosie poem, it's an excerpt from a poem called "Unfair", in which Rosie comes to the stunning realization that some deaths (even those of celebrities) are untimely. Read it with someone you love:
"when jfk jr was missing
i pleaded with god
begging - bargaining
spare him - find him please
that family has had enough
and now dana reeve sick
it cannot b
i want to scream at the sky
no - not fair - damn u
as sadness surrounds"
It inspired me to write a poem for Rosie. Here it is:
jfk jr. dead
-never knew him-
dana reeve now sick
-who's that?-
glad your show
is off the
air
I love it.
Would you have rather rode in a an airplane with JFK Jr.or a car with Ted?
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