The Chris Moeller Archives

Stan Kroenke is a bald asshole

E. Stan Kroenke is not Adolf Hitler. Hitler's hair was real.

The owner of the St. Louis Rams was named by his birth parents for St. Louis baseball champions Enos Slaughter and Stan Musial, but Kroenke's forte has been running successful sports teams into the ground-- and on two different continents-- the Colorado Avalanche, the Denver Nuggets, the Arsenal Football Club, the Greatest Show on Turf. In an attempt to extradite himself and his American football team from a city that just offered him $350 million in taxpayer money, he publicly released the text of his relocation application. It was a scorched-Earth ad hominem attack upon the Gateway City.

In his desperation to compete for the Los Angeles market against the joint stadium effort being put up by the family ownerships of the San Diego Chargers and Oakland Raiders, Stan is poisoning the well back home. His temper tantrum essay skewed economic statistics and invented stories outright about attempted negotiations with city leaders. (His claim that the Rams don't-- and can't-- boast the type of fan support the baseball Cardinals enjoy was a long-awaited reveal about the insecurity of the Rams' front office.) You gotta vote for me, he's saying, because I can't go back there. It will be interesting to see how the NFL treats a city that has offered a third of a billion dollars in tax subsidies, and in turn, how the NFL's other host cities respond to that reaction. This would be a new precedent.

Kroenke really wants out. He never asked for a new stadium in St. Louis. He's putting up his own money to build one in Inglewood, California (directly in the flight path of Los Angeles International Airport). Of the three following entities-- a proposed new riverfront stadium in St. Louis, the Inglewood stadium project, and Kroenke's forehead-- only his forehead has a retractable roof. The man is bald, and the tent that he wears on top of his head is ridiculous. As the eighth-largest private landowner in the United States, you would think he would own a mirror. Maybe it's in another mansion.

Stan made his money the old fashioned way. He married into it. Ann Walton Kroenke is the daughter of Bud Walton, co-founder of Walmart. The descendants of brothers Sam and Bud add to their billions by building each of their business outlets with taxpayer money, paying as little as they can get away with to their employees, and using child slaves in China and Bangladesh to manufacture the products they sell.

"Silent Stan" said nothing to the people of St. Louis when he exercised his right of first-refusal as minority owner to take control of the team in 2010. He has said nothing during his tenure as the boss. His last public comments of any kind were made when he hired Jeff Fisher as head coach four years ago. Now he's talking a blue streak on paper on his way out the door. He claims he negotiated in good faith with regional officials, when in fact, there were no negotiations at all. And if there had been, how could they have been productive with elected leaders trying hard the entire time not to stare at the rodent suctioned to the top of Kroenke's head?

This is set up to be one of the most interesting weeks in St. Louis sports history. Nothing is assured. Both the Rams plan and the Raiders/ Chargers shared plan in Carson, California, requires approval of 24 or more of the other teams. A Post-Dispatch columnist reasons that there would be at least nine votes in support of the Carson plan, and therefore opposing Kroenke in Inglewood-- the Chargers, Raiders, Panthers, Texans, 49ers, Jaguars, Giants, Steelers, and Chiefs. If the clubs had their druthers, they would surely choose the Rams and Chargers, but there's animosity on the part of the Spanos family in San Diego towards Kroenke, and the partnerships didn't shake out that way. It turns out that it's actually easier to get along with the family of Al Davis than with Walton-in-law.

If Kroenke loses this week, he'll be stuck in St. Louis at least for a time, and that's when the city should kick him in the balls. City leaders have gotta play it straight until the cards have all been played, but remember that Kroenke believes the city of St. Louis already to be in breach at the Edward Jones Dome because its upkeep does not place it in the top tier of league facilities. If the Raiders and Chargers "win" Los Angeles, Kroenke says he'll break ground at Inglewood anyway. Then the battle is between Kroenke and the league. So bar the Rams from playing in the Ed. He can go to L.A., in violation of the NFL's decision, and share a largely indifferent sports city with two other teams, or he can try to find an entirely new home, the first of which does not immediately spring to mind. St. Louis has already been dumped. If Kroenke is rejected by his latest pursuit, take advantage of the overplay and act punitively. The city has had two giant items in its favor throughout this negotiation (or lack of negotiation, if you prefer), even if they each get frequently forgotten by St. Louisans and football fans. Number one, a city does not need an NFL team to prosper. In fact, some studies now suggest the opposite is true. And number two, the Rams, as operated under E. Stanley Kroenke, are no great prize. The city that gets the Rams is not getting Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, Orlando Pace, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and Dick Vermeil. It's getting Nick Foles and Jeff Fisher. Let's start the bidding.

posted by CM @ 3:45 PM