Happy St. Paddy's Day, Dummy
St. Patrick's is definitely not my thing, but I could get behind a holiday promoting my favorite Irishman of all-time-- fictional Dennis Duffy of 30 Rock. Liz Lemon's on-and-off-again boyfriend appears in 13 of the series' episodes. He's an entrepreneur. You might have seen his ad on the 7 train. He was the last beeper salesman in Manhattan (he became the "Beeper King" after the original committed suicide), and he invested in a vending machine for coffee in the basement of the Kmart at 38th and 6th ("You just gotta go downstairs, get the key from David-- BOOM-- you plug in the machine"). His latest idea is like Netflix, "but you go to a store and pick out a video from a limited selection." He was almost the love of Lemon's life.These are my favorite Dennis Duffy quotes...
Regarding his appearance on To Catch a Predator:
"I knew that girl was eighteen. She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian, and that crap doesn't start until college."
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Dennis: "I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade and some black guy cold-cocked me."
Criss: "Like a security guard?"
Dennis: "I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way."
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"Hey, easy with the jacket. It's from Amar'e Stoudamire's evening wear collection."
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"Liz, you remember my fiance, Megan Duffy. Maiden name Duffy. Hopefully no relation."
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Introducing Liz to his adopted son:
Dennis: "Boom. We got Black Dennis"
Liz: "His name is Black Dennis? That is racist"
Dennis: "Yeah, right Liz. The guy with the black son is racist"
Later:
Dennis: "Black Dennis, start the car."
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"You think I'm just going to give up now, huh? I'm a Duffy, Liz. And us Duffys, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn't give up when America sent us back, and we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right?"
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"We were both pretty torn up about Hurricane Katrina. What those people did to the Superdome."
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"Hey Criss, there's a lesbo movie on Showtime."
Later:
"You missed the end of the movie. The kid goes back to college, and Mark Ruffalo's just going to do his own thing with the restaurant."
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After being declared a subway hero by "Mayor Bloomburger.":
"That's the Stanley Cup, sweetheart, it's hockey's highest honor. And me and it are teaming up to fight illiteracy."
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On his relationship with Liz:
"I have squatter's rights."
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During the 30 Rock gas leak:
"You called me, Liz. Cuz deep down, you still got all kinds of queer feeling for me. That's why someday I knew you'd be vulnerable from a gas leak or a coma or a super period."
Later:
"If this is going to work out between you and me, you should know my tarantula sleeps on my face... Gas has no effect on me at all. When I was growing up, my school, Gerry Cooney Elementary, it was right next to a gas works in Queens. It ventilated into the cafeteria. We got a big settlement from the city. Our parents voted to spend it on a boat that the families could share, but then that sank. But you know what, I'm still smart enough to know that I'll never do better than you, Liz Lemon, cuz you're a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen, so I'm going to give you one more shot to admit to me that you keep bringing me back into your life for a reason."
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"I can move my stuff in tonight, right? I just have one duffel bag and a sidecar. My motorcycle got impounded for being parked too awesome. I just need you to sign this lease I printed up off the internet."
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Dennis' voicemail message:
"Whazzzupppp?! You've reached Dennis' voicemail. How YOU doing? Get out of here, Joey. I'm recording my voicemail message."
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Liz: "Whose horse is that?"
Dennis: "That's my cousin Teddy's Great Dane. I told him I'd watch him for a couple weeks cause Teddy broke his ankle running from black guys who pulled a gun on him."
Liz: "Why was it important to tell me that the muggers were black?"
Dennis: "They weren't muggers. They were cops."
Liz: "So why don't you just say he was running from some cops?"
Dennis: "I don't know. I mean, you're a racist for assuming they weren't cops."
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And reading from a letter he's written:
"Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation", which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights."
posted by CM @ 8:00 PM
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