The Chris Moeller Archives

Resolutions 2014

Bring on 2014, the year of the thing that replaces twerking. I remember being a kid and thinking to myself: what will it be like to welcome a new year during the 2000’s. I’ll be so old by then. Now we’re well-established into the new millennium and it feels about the same as the old ones. Kind of a let-down, actually. There has still been no colonization of the moon. (The moon people still have complete political autonomy.) There are still no four-course dinners in the form of one easy-to-swallow purple tablet, no winged horses, no World Series parades on Chicago’s North Side. Maybe 2014 will bring all or some of the above.

Now for me personally, in the new year…

I resolve to fix the drain in the bathroom sink. What could that be down there?

I resolve to switch to e-cigarettes. I’m not a smoker, but I’m trying to quit eating those Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I’m going to become an uncle in 2014 so I resolve to be the kind that tells jokes and pulls coins from behind ears.

I resolve to figure out how that coin trick works.

I resolve to become famous being a professional furniture mover. Sounds impossible, you say? Well, I have a specific plan. Are you ready for it? I’m going to move furniture while wearing camouflage and growing a really long beard. Because that costume will give me “personality.”

I resolve not to misdirect my anger in winter. It’s not snow I hate, it’s automobiles. Snow is innocent.

I resolve to hit .415 off somebody. Anybody. In any sport. Did you know that Tony Gwynn had a career .415 batting average, in 94 at-bats, against a pitcher who’s about to become a first-ballot Hall of Famer, Greg Maddux. Good hitting and all that.

I resolve to roll my eyes every time I hear a college football or basketball coach call the players “kids.”

I resolve to blog with greater consistency. The year of the wedding and early marriage presented time management challenges, but this New Year's marks the tenth New Year's of the CM Blog era. Now I've got a little thing going for me called "dependency." My own.

Stick with me, babies. Don't forget old acquaintances in the new year, and take a cup of kindness yet.

posted by CM @ 8:00 PM