The Chris Moeller Archives

Cardinals fan outs Reds and Pirates players as cheaters, division race ends early

You can’t see it, of course, but I’m holding a rumpled piece of paper in my hand. On this paper is a handwritten list of all the Major League Baseball players to whom I have provided performance-enhancing drugs over the last three years. This list comes from the private medical records of the anti-aging clinic that I operate, the Moeller and Sons PED Academy. The names of the players I have serviced with my products are…

Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips, Zack Cozart, Todd Frazier, Jay Bruce, Shin-Soo Choo, Xavier Paul, Devin Mesoraco, Bronson Arroyo, Homer Bailey, Johnny Cueto, Mat Latos, Mike Leake, Aroldis Chapman, Garrett Jones, Neil Walker, Pedro Alvarez, Clint Barmes, Starling Marte, Andrew McCutchen, Jose Tabata, Russell Martin, A.J. Burnett, Wandy Rodriguez, Francisco Liriano, Jeff Locke, and Jason Grilli

I know you’re doubting right now the veracity of my claim but these names on a sheet of paper are exactly the level of evidence that is currently implicating Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez, and at least 20 other players in the Major League Baseball investigation of Anthony Bosch and the now-defunct Biogenesis of America clinic of Coral Gables, Florida.

I confess that none of my clients, who all incidentally play for either the Cincinnati Reds and Pittsburgh Pirates, have failed a drug test. Their medical records with me are supposed to be private, but I’m leaking the names to prompt an investigation and to publicly shame them, and unlike Anthony Bosch, you can trust me completely because I’m not cutting a deal with Bud Selig in exchange for dropping a lawsuit and “put(ting) in a good word” with law enforcement.

It’s really a shame that all of these players are going to have to be suspended in the middle of an historic division race between three clubs, the Reds, Pirates, and Cardinals, that have been league rivals playing in the same three cities since 1892, and even before that, in a league called the American Association.

It’s pretty obvious why Major League Baseball officials are going after Bosch’s people and not mine. Ryan Braun embarrassed the vinegar out of them when a previous drug-related suspension was overturned after the league’s shoddy handling of his sample was exposed. Additionally, the New York Yankees, Baseball Inc’s most gloried franchise, wants out from under its hideous Alex Rodriguez contract. Your Bronx Bombers, the one-time Evil Empire that has been downgraded in recent years to merely Evil, would trade anything short of their taxpayer-funded stadium to skip out on the $300 million they still owe the 37-year-old has-been. Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner, born with a silver spoon up his ass, told reporters yesterday he hopes Rodriguez will “act like a Yankee” during the course of this league investigation. It remains to be seen what this order from management actually entails for ARod: Boozing it up in public with Whitey Ford? Distancing oneself with great contempt from both the media and fans? Swapping wives with a teammate? Making illegal campaign contributions to Richard Nixon? Firing Billy Martin? Clarification, please!

The Reds and Pirates are both feel-good stories of this baseball season so the league wants nothing to do with my clinic, despite the fact that I am completely opening my books for them to see, and providing free Dum Dum pops to anybody that stops by the office. As with Bosch, the league does not have subpoena power to compel me to testify, but nor do they need it. I’m offering these names off my clinic’s profit-and-loss statement gratis in an effort to help clean up the mess that Big Baseball has made for itself. And yet they go with Bosch because he has the juicier client list. Along with the aforementioned Braun and Rodriguez, he’s got a former All-Star Game MVP and a Cy Young Award winner. I've listed each of his “clients” below, as it’s been reported by ESPN—and next to each name I have included a fun fact about that person.

Nelson Cruz- Hispanic
Melky Cabrera- Hispanic
Bartolo Colon- Hispanic
Gio Gonzalez- Hispanic
Yasmani Grandal- Hispanic
Francisco Cervelli- Hispanic
Jesus Montero- Hispanic
Jhonny Peralta- Hispanic
Fernando Martinez- Hispanic
Everth Cabrera- Hispanic
Fautino de los Santos- Hispanic
Jordan Noberto- Hispanic
Cesar Puello- Hispanic

Now can I get a little disdain for my players too? I’ve got some All-Stars and Gold Glove winners in here. What’s a guy have to do anymore to ruin baseball? Cancel a World Series?

posted by CM @ 9:11 PM