The Chris Moeller Archives

The red lights of Sesame Street

Concerned parents succeeded in getting Katy Perry removed from an episode of "Sesame Street" this week because the pop singer was singing on YouTube opposite Elmo wearing this outfit. "You're going to have to rename [Sesame Street] "Cleavage Avenue," wrote one righteous parent online, and the complaints collectively forced show producers to shelve their idea of airing the clip during the television program.

To the nation's preschoolers, this type of media controversy would already be difficult to understand, but it's hitting them in their own back "street," as it were, as part of one of their favorite TV shows. So, as a public service, I invite you to bring your little ones up close to the computer and Uncle Chris will explain to them what's going on here.

First, a disclaimer: Uncle Chris has no professional training in family counseling, much like television's Dr. Phil; and the designation "Uncle Chris" is for entertainment purposes only, like "Dr. Phil."...


Now children, and I use that term loosely, because we all know you're just pretending not to be sexualized at age four. You're not fooling your Uncle Chris with that biological indifference poopy, and that's why the comely Aunt Katy is so dangerous parading around on the digital babysitter. Women's breasts, you see, are actually dirty, filthy things, and Aunt Katy doesn't think you can comprehend this yet. Breasts make daddies feel all funny and then act stupid, and the daddies kind of run things around here, as you'll soon understand. Also, other women's breasts sometimes make Mommy not like her own body very much either, so many right-thinking mommies justifiably have come to agree about how bad they are. Yes, it was only a short time ago that Mommy's breasts provided your sustenance and for the quality of your health generally, but that was when you were one, and now you're four and it's time you started altering your worldview accordingly.

Now, I want to prepare you. I know you've seen the image of what Aunt Katy is wearing on her video (because you always click on my links). But this is only the beginning. You're going to see much more than what Aunt Katy is revealing of her tummy the next time we go to the beach or to the public pool. On women you don't even know, you're likely to see the top or side of breasts, or part of the space between the two, and definitely the outline of the breasts. I'm going to be straight with you on this because you're getting to be so big. Sometimes through the swimsuit, you'll see the dot of the breast, but I'm sorry I had to use inappropriate language there to explain myself. We'll cross this whole swimsuit bridge when we get to it at the beach-- maybe we'll throw a blindfold or something in with the towels.

Now I want you to pay close attention to what you hear on the school bus. We're not going to be talking about such matters ever again, but the truth about mommies' and daddies' bodies is out there if you just keep your ears open. The nuts and bolts of it (nuts, ha, ha... adult aside) aren't important now anyway. What's important is that you begin to already feel the true depths of just how dirty and unacceptable your body is. Elmo knows this about you, he's just not telling you, because his words are written for him by ultra-liberals opposed to tax cuts. I'll explain later.

Like I said, we won't speak of this again. It's inappropriate conversation. You're too young. Now get out of here, you scamps.

posted by CM @ 10:05 AM