Festival 8
Moeller TV Festival 8 commences today at noon at my home in Des Moines. Thanks for your submissions for the Open Remote segment. Phone or text me for directions at 515-249-3457. Here are the festival greetings from Aaron and me, as they appear in this year's festival program:This Is It: Moeller TV Festival: The Movie
When the Moeller TV Festival was tragically killed this summer at the hands of shady doctors and predatory housing lenders, we were on the verge of our greatest comeback. Even though Chris's type-A personality and delusional political aspirations usually present him as the overriding "voice" of the festival-- running roughshod over the proceedings, constantly fiddling with the contrast on the TV, ordering the Top Chef guys (catering in the kitchen) to send out more mustard packets for the sub sandwiches-- I'll always consider the TV Festival my baby. With tears in my eyes, I immediately considered our lasting legacy and started to piece together these final programs for a special big screen edition of our late friend. This is what could have been.
I admit that before he died, his career was on life support. Known as "Freaky Festy" in the tabloids, Moeller TV Festival had come to be known as an oddity to millions. Despite the constant plastic surgeries and creepy allegations of plying underage viewers with "Jesus Juice" and then diddling with their things, I truly believe Fame at a Young Age was his great undoing. The Moeller TV Festival had so much notoriety from early on that he was simply ill-equipped to deal with it in an adult way. But when it comes right down to it, he had a lot of love in his heart and wanted nothing more than to share it with the world. Year after year, his love came out in his programming and when those great shows were on and we were laughing until our knees buckled and crying 'til our noses bled, it was absolute magic.
He was never better. WE were never better.
In fact, I think TV Festival's brother Jermaine said it best when he asked, "Can I sing at the funeral?"
So this is it. "Moeller TV Festival: The Movie". We have a great one this year, one that will last in perpetuity and keep reminding us of his eternal brilliance. Enjoy it. And be sure to log on to amazon.com to pre-purchase "Moeller TV Festival: The Movie: The Book," which further chronicles the dreams of the young dancers who only wanted to dance in front of thousands with the man that inspired them.
I've always loved you, knuckleheads, and I always will,
Aaron Moeller
---
What famous television characters are saying about the Moeller TV Festival (interviewed by Chris Moeller)....
Sam the Eagle ("The Muppets"), "The Moeller brothers have presented some very WEIRD programs over the years, and I, for one, am simply appalled by the spectacle of these shows and presenting them for public viewing. I ask, what is the socially-redeeming value of a presentation entitled "Who Pooped the Bed?" This entire gathering is one of sick, degenerate, barbaric freaks. It is disgusting and distinctly unpatriotic to hold this event, not only one time, but once every year.
Latka Gravas ("Taxi"), "In my country, it cost 50 lithnich to attend a TV festival. And there is no TV, only the mountain people in the village to act out the favorite stories. It is a pain in the yatkabee. Thank you very much."
Al Swearingen ("Deadwood"), "Progress, I guess some would call it, that a pair of loopy-fuckin' Siamese monozygotic half-breeds could produce an event that calls to mind the fuckin' Romans to the Coliseum for an afternoon bloodletting. Don't I yearn for the days when men could announce their fucking intentions to lie the fuck back in their homes and massage their johnsons instead of descending like locusts upon a gathering of grab-ankled imbeciles. That's the fucking sum and substance of it."
B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce ("M*A*S*H"), "TV Festivals would be commonplace all over the world today, if they would just put an end to this damn war."
Cliff Clavin ("Cheers"), "It's a little-known fact that TV festivals date back to ancient Mesopotamia, where they were organized by priests and thought to bring good fortune and a healthy childbirth to pregnant women. It's well-documented. There wer only two seasons on the early Babylonian calendar-- summer and TV Festival. In some parts of the Tigris-Euphrates region today, insurance offices still give away the old calendars.
Yakov Smirnoff ("The New Hollywood Squares"), "In Soviet Union, television festivals watch you."
Jeff "B-Dog" Boomhauer ("King of the Hill"), "Yo, man, I tell you what, man. That dang ole' TV festival, man. With the dad gum comment box. Talk about just keep quiet, man, write it on the card. Yeah, man, dang ole', tasty sandwiches, man."
Lucy Ricardo ("I Love Lucy"), (crying) "Rick-ee, I want to go to the Moeller Television Festival!"
posted by CM @ 8:00 AM
2 Comments:
Sorry I missed it. I'm sure it was a day of classic TV, grand camaraderie, and kick-ass sub sandwiches. Hopefully I'll be there for No. 9.
Thanks, Dave. It was fun as usual, but weaker for your absence.
I simply can't wait for the TV Festival-- Baseball-theme event this winter in Kansas City. I'm researching some episodes as we speak.
Post a Comment
<< Home