The Chris Moeller Archives

The 81st Annual Academy Awards

Why do we love the Oscars? Perhaps because our favorite films each year reflect our individual tastes, and so often our identities. Esquire magazine has just said it best--

"There's no emotional investment in it. You didn't help make the movie. You didn't uncover some overlooked gem. All you did was choose to see One of the Year's Most Critically Acclaimed Films, and that choice panned out pretty well, and you want to share your self-satisfaction with others."

I sat down to watch the Oscar telecast tonight and had to adjust the rabbit ears on my TV to do it. It's the first time I've watched the ABC affiliate in Des Moines since last year's Oscars, and the digital picture threatens to tune out. Normally, there's a sense of excitement that arrives with the ceremony, but this year's Oscars are being held in the wake of a devastating showbusiness announcement. I confess I've never really quite understood the phrase "the show must go on" until this very moment.

Here's this year's ceremony timeline, a gift from me to you:

7:31 (central): Hugh Jackman as host. Not a comedian. Not dangerous. Not deflating at all of any of the bullshit Oscar pomp. He's very good at what he does, and I'm sure the Board of Governors, the blue-hairs, and 13-year-old girls loved it. But I still miss Chris Rock. Who knows what Rock could have said this year that would piss off Sean Penn? The ideal Oscar host for me would be Sarah Silverman. Then get front-row seats for Paris Hilton, Chris Brown, and the Octo-mom and prepare yourself for a night they'll be talking about for years to come.

7:47: Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress for her role in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona," following in the footsteps of other Oscar-recognized Woody Allen-muses Diane Keaton, Dianne Wiest, and Mira Sorvino. "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" had all the things a great feature film should have: Cruz making out with Scarlett Johanssen,

7:56: "Milk" screenwriter Dustin Lance Black gives one of the finest speeches of this or several years, an impassioned plea for federal gay marriage rights. Black, who was raised Mormon, also writes for the HBO series "Big Love," and you thought you disappointed your parents just because of that time they caught you trying on that Wonder Woman outfit.

8:03: There's presenter Jennifer Aniston, who must feel the stares of Brad and Angelina on her from the front row like Sean Penn showing up at a Club For Growth meeting. Aniston and Jack Black wow the crowd with a Pixar/Dreamworks "inside baseball" joke that 98 percent of television viewers don't understand. The punchline is then directed at producer Jeffrey Katzenberg, himself the target audience for 99 percent of the inside jokes told in Hollywood.

8:23: "The Dark Knight" loses the makeup award to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," but in effect, the film's makeup artists will win when Heath Ledger wins.

8:27: One of the rare film montages during this year's telecast-- one with the movies of 2008. But where's the old-timey clips? The ones that recall Hollywood when it was actually glamorous. It's not a real Oscars telecast unless I'm shown Charlie Chaplin's image at some point before we get to Best Picture. Are they doing this year's show with bailout money?

8:32: They've never invited Letterman back to host, but Dave's impact on our popular culture is felt indelibly when Ben Stiller does his Joaquin Phoenix impression while presenting the Oscar for cinematography with Natalie Portman. This is cracking me up. And I thought he did a great Tom Cruise.

8:36: Jessica Biel introduces the winners of the Academy's scientific and technological awards, awarded at a ceremony held earlier. Every year, a beautiful starlet is invited to host this separate ceremony. She certainly agrees to do it because the payoff is getting to appear on-stage during the Big Show despite not lassoing a nomination. The equivalent in high school is sending the prom queen to host the shop awards.

8:52: Beyonce performs with Hugh Jackman in his song-and-dance medley, singing, among other memorable tunes, "Top Hat, White Tie, and Tails." I hope Fred Astaire doesn't get his nose out of joint like Etta James did.

9:07: It's Heath Ledger for Best Supporting Actor. I admit I don't get it. I'd put Ledger's "Joker" portrayal somewhere between those of Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero. He had some fun with the role, no doubt, but it was far from one of the five best supporting performances of the year. What it was was a perfect storm for an Oscar voters' blowout-- an actor overlooked for a much-loved previous role (as Ennis del Mar in "Brokeback Mountain"), a chance for Academy members to reward themselves for supporting a middlebrow, profitable, popcorn movie, and of course, their usual necrophilia for a youthful corpse.

9:16: A gem of a movie "Man on Wire" wins Best Documentary Feature. The subject of the film does a slight-of-hand trick at the podium and balances the statuette upside down on his chin before exiting, but that's nothing compared with what he does in the movie. Check it out "instantly" on Netflix.

9:20: What a breath of fresh air is Bill Maher-- slightly condescending towards the "Man on Wire" victors. They didn't win the Oscar "for doing that", says Maher, alluding to the statuette balancing. The Academy Awards telecast is a balloon that must be continuously jabbed at and occasionally punctured. Every year, we're told we're rewarding films that reveal "truth", but the awards show is a giant slobberfest. Maher would make a great Oscar host, actually. So would Ben Stiller.

9:41: Eddie Murphy introduces Jerry Lewis as the winner of the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. Anybody who doesn't like Jerry Lewis can kiss my ass. Next February, the Academy can invite him back and give him a Lifetime award for his movie work.

9:46: The New York Times' Manohla Dargis on tonight's "King of Comedy".

9:56: Oscar producers have mercifully consolidated the performances of the Original Song nominees into just one 5 minute segment. (I hope they remembered to put Debbie Allen in carbon freeze.) The Oscar for best tune goes to "Jai Ho", a song sung in Hindi from "Slumdog Millionaire." Let's just say we won't see Hugh Jackman and Beyonce attempting this one in next year's medley.

10:10: The moment I wait for each year-- the Dead Actor Montage. This year, Queen Latifah is singing to them. The montage is the longest one in memory, concluding with Charlton Heston, Sidney Pollack, and Paul Newman, but the bonehead director of the telecast doesn't zoom in on the actual video screen so viewers with weak vision are probably missing half the names. Is it really necessary to keep Queen Latifah in the shot, and how many times does she have to sing through the singular verse of "I'll Be Seeing You"? "American Pie" would also be somewhat appropriate, and then they could just fade her out in the fourth verse when they get done with Newman.

10:20: Danny Boyle is this year's Best Director, so "Slumdog Millionaire" will have to be Best Picture, right? How can these two awards be separated? They give the Best Picture statuettes to the producers, but this rubs me wrong, like the way Major League Baseball gives the World Series trophy to the team owners instead of to the manager or the players. Combining Best Picture and Director is just one way that the Chris Moeller Film Awards (coming early this summer) are always looking to improve upon the Oscars.

10:27: I like the new system this year of using five previous Oscar winners to introduce, individually, the acting nominees. Finally, it seems as though Oscar producers have been taking their cues from the Football Hall-of-Fame inductions. Some of the tributes even seem like they were written by the individual presenters. Next year, they should switch genders so that Jon Voight can tell us about Angelina Jolie. Kate Winslet wins Best Actress, and her speech is terrific. I enjoyed it especially when she asked her Dad to whistle from where he was sitting in the audience, and he did; but sadly, with the previous winner on stage, Winslet missed the first opportunity since Adrien Brody to plant a long, wet one on Halle Berry.

10:41: That big palooka, Mickey Rourke, is the 5th and final nominee for Best Actor for his role as Randy the Ram in "The Wrestler." It's a bittersweet evening for Rourke, whose beloved Chihuahua, Loki, died at 18 years of age earlier in the week, just in time to miss the Academy festivities. Rourke dedicated his Independent Spirit Award to the dead pooch Saturday night.

10:42: Sean Penn is named Best Actor. He gives an even better speech than Winslet. He's absolutely right that the people who supported Proposition 8 in California will ultimately be forced to come to grips with their shame and "the shame of their grandchildren." His role as Harvey Milk was not only spectacular and contained within what may have been the best film of the year, but channeling the flamboyant Milk seems to have also revealed a sense of humor we didn't know he had back in the days of his "Mystic River"-type gut-wrenchers. Penn has lately lightened his public persona. Still it wasn't really the best performance of the year, so now sadly a great performance is destined to be best remembered as the one that beat out Rourke's, a truly iconic performance.

10:51: "Slumdog Millionaire" is awarded Best Picture. Though the scuttlebutt is that Mickey Rourke voted for "Marley and Me."

Peace and love to all. Next year in Jerusalem!

posted by CM @ 11:41 PM