The Chris Moeller Archives

Sin wagon

I feel I'm uniquely qualified to chime in on "Des Moines' Dairy Dustup" (Newly-copyrighted phrase). The city council of Iowa's most-populous village is now weighing whether or not to permit ice cream trucks to roam the metropolitan streets. Since the commercial vehicles have been outlawed here for nearly 40 years, I doubt that many other of her residents can claim having one time worked as an ice cream truck vendor, but as you may or may not know, I did just that for 10 glorious weeks in St. Louie, Moe in the summer of 1994... when we were all just little babies.

The crackpots were out in force last night at a meeting devoted to the controversy: Mothers expressed fear that child predators would be hired to man the wheels of the motorized devil-mobiles, and they warned that harmful bacteria lurked with malice inside each and every Dream-sicle. A Des Moines police sergeant summoned up seminal adolescent memories of the unfortunate 9-year-old girl who was struck and killed by an ice cream truck 40 years ago, the precipitating element of the long-time ban.

It's all so silly to me. Your child could just as easily be preyed upon by a complete stranger, their home room teacher, a member of the clergy, or a member of the immediate family, than by the ice cream man, which means ultimately it's not even safe to keep them in the house, let alone permit them out. Products sold from the trucks would presumably still fall under the safety jurisdiction of the nation's highly-effective Food and Drug Administration, as the trucks themselves would still assumedly be subject to all federal, state, and local traffic laws. Sadly, the grief of the victim's father continues to overwhelm the debate, as council members are forced to reconcile common sense with human concern for a well-meaning gentleman's long-lasting pain.

The Des Moines Register, once a frequent recipient of many of journalism's most prestigious awards-- thanks to penetrating investigations into malfeasance in the agribusiness industry, now only makes an impact on the community when it uncovers such tawdry tales as the college basketball coach who enjoys sipping Natural Light in the company of coeds, or when their photographers stumble upon an out-of-towner selling a frozen blend of cream, condensed milk, and butterfat from the passenger-side window of a full-sized conversion van.

Hmm, I wonder where Dairy Queen comes down on this issue. They're against it? Truly? I'd love to keep paying $4 for two scoops of ice cream and a crushed candy bar, but as so many venture capitalists have explained to ours and every other city council across this land: a little competition never hurt anybody.

I sympathize with that man in the Register picture. That was me 13 years ago (13 years!?)-- same truck, same happy children (though my cap was red.) Our only lasting concerns should be the fattening of our children and that annoying music, and that's neither here nor there in a competitive marketplace. Let's let kids be kids. Let them enjoy one of summer's great neighborhood pleasures. Let them reward themselves for having completed their yard-related chores, and for their full-hearted efforts upon the city's baseball and softball diamonds. But then I suppose you people would rather they spent their money on drugs?

posted by CM @ 8:23 PM