I don't like soccer and you can't make me
It should be obvious why riots are always breaking out in soccer stadiums? It's because fans are looking for a little excitement.It's hard to believe that four years have come and gone, but the World Cup is back, and that means it's also time for our more sophisticated countrymen to refresh their campaign to convince the Bud drinkers among us that we should rally behind that so-called "global phenomenon" called "futbol." It's the most popular sport in the world, these European ass-kissers argue, so by rejecting it, the U.S. is just continuing its trend toward unilateral action. But might these same simpletons also argue that "Titanic" is a better film than "Citizen Kane," or that "Baywatch" betters "The Sopranos?" I didn't think so. When the sport is being played on television, which mercifully is not often, I simply find myself yelling at the screen-- "Just grab it!"
Soccer may be popular around the world, but so are bowl haircuts and Robbie Williams. Five hundred million people may participate in the sport, but what are the alternative pastimes in Tehran? You can either play soccer or whittle away the hours drinking tea and observing the hejab strict code of dress.
Would anyone who has witnessed them all reasonably claim that David Beckham is as great an athlete as LaDainian Tomlinson or Albert Pujols or Allen Iverson-- competitors of superior speed, power, cunning, coordination, and/or even grace? I don't dispute that soccer requires a healthy ticker and a pair of fresh legs, but that's where the requisites grow murky for me. I tried to make a list of preferred attributes and the next best I could come up with were kneepads and a metal plate in your frontal lobe.
What really burns me, though, is the assertion that soccer is the sport of the future in the United States. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reason for that is our other great sports. Soccer is destined to remain on the scrap heap of second tier competitions like lacrosse and bicyling because America has invented superior tests of physical skill and blended them with action and drama for the spectators. For Christ's sake, the play clock counts up in soccer! When will the damn thing even end? Who invented this crap? Not Al Jolson, I can tell you that. Americans want entertainment! They want a story... and a big finish!
In his 2003 tome "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs," author Chuck Klosterman recalled how he discovered that soccer would never become popular in the U.S. At 16 years old, he coached a rag-tag baseball team of fourth and fifth graders and was forced into direct contact with parents bringing up their kids in an era when soccer had become the dominant participation sport for that age group, a distinction that remains the case today. These parents had become conditioned to a sporting climate in which there was equality in action and participation. In truth, they weren't sports fans at all. Soccer, he argued, appealed to "OutKast Culture," which is diametrically opposed to real sports' "Intimidation Culture." (Briefly think back to the three American athletes I mentioned earlier--yes? Intimidating as hell, aren't they?)
Writes Klosterman, "Soccer unconsciously rewards the outcast, which is why so many adults are fooled into thinking their kids love it. The truth is that most children don't love soccer; they simply hate the alternatives more. For 60 percent of the adolescents in any fourth grade classroom, sports are a humiliation waiting to happen. These are the kids who play baseball and strike out four times a game. These are the kids who are afraid to get fouled in basketball, because it only means they're now required to shoot two free throws, which equates to two air balls. Basketball games actually stop to recognize failure. And football is nothing more than an ironical death sentence; somehow, outcasts find themselves in a situation where the people normally penalized for teasing them are suddenly urged to annihilate them."
In soccer, you can really just run up and down the field without doing anything. I know because I've played it. In grade school, we had to go to a one day tournament once a year, and in college, my next door neighbor from Manchester, England recruited me a couple times to the pitch. All I did was wear out my shoes. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. And I was a great athlete! Then you would look over at the football players playing intramural basketball, and you got an idea of why these scrawny Brits enjoyed their own version of futbol.
Baseball is the game for me. It works as both sport and cerebral exercise. It's physically rigorous, but just as importantly, plays as a story unfolding for the spectator and the participant. After a day's, week's or season's story has been written, that story has a way of sticking in your memory. The game is not complicated or convoluted in its scope, but its complexities demand an attention-- even devotion. More than half of the world doesn't understand it, but then that's probably what makes it great.
posted by CM @ 7:41 PM
7 Comments:
I'm mostly indifferent to the World Cup too, but the main attribute of the World Cup which gets under my skin is the same thing that keeps me disinterested in the Olympics - the overwhelming, mind-numbing display of nationalism which permeates every game of the event.
This is getting off subject, but I have to laugh about the Americans who have no interest in the day to day American team sports and narratives, but get all worked up over the Olympics. I heard dozens last winter who were all in an uproar because that Bode Miller character was seemingly so ambivalent about his performance, like they were offended at how he "represented" our country. This sort of mock outrage infiltrates everything in this country, spreading from the media down to everything else, but I found this particular case hilarious for some reason.
And I challenge any self-proclaimed "enlightened" American who defends soccer while simultaneously scolding his countrymen as xenophobic for not caring about the World Cup to compare the racism of European soccer fans to the sports fans of this country.
Like slate.com suggested this week, let's leave soccer to the 2nd graders and the sons of dictators.
This is great! You use baseball as an example of a sport that requires great athleticism, claim that baseball is your sport, and that you are a great athlete. What is ironic is that those of us who know you, know that you played first base on your high school team and wasn't even allowed to bat. The pitcher DH'd for you!
Just because you do not understand a game or sport does not make the players any less athletic. Maybe there is a reason you did nothing during your "pick up" games. I attended many soccer games in college and have witnessed people being juked out of their shorts. Soccer requires phenomenal amount of foot quickness and ball control. Even Tavian Banks claimed that his football skills (foot speed, body control and balance)came from his years of playing soccer as a kid.
Also, do I need to remind you that Albert Pujols injured himself taking ten steps for a foul ball. I'm still not convinced that baseball players are great athletes. Bowling seems to be the only professional sport where the players are as fat as baseball players.
The pitcher may have DH'd for Mr. Moeller, but then I ran for the pitcher.
The soccer we played in grade school was not real soccer. I played some intramural games in college with people who played in high school. They kept yelling at me because I was not guarding my man. Before that, I didn't even know there was a strategy to defense. I always just thought if the ball was moving in the direction of your own goal, you were supposed to kick it in the other direction - that was defense.
Anyway, I agree that soccer will never be a major sport in this country. I have not watched a minute of the World Cup and I probably won't unless my remote control suddenly stops working as I am flipping past it. Being an ex-baseball player, I am too lazy to actually get up and change the channel. If only I had RS here to stop by on his 5-mile run and change channels for me...
I won't go so far as Chris as to accuse soccer players of not being real athletes - clearly you need speed and skills to play. Basketball is a similar comparison, I think, as it's a back and forth, continuous action sport played with a netted goal at each end, but I still can't get past the basic premise that the skills of basketball players involve their entire bodies and not just the lower half.
My main concern about the World Cup is still the overriding feeling that I'm getting as an American sports fan that I have to somehow defend why I'm ambivalent about the event. Or that I'm somehow xenophobic for not caring about it.
The mantra "It's number one in the rest of the world, so therefore Americans should care" is hogwash. Nobody in any of those countries love sports the way Americans love sports. In fact, I'll gladly accept the premise that Americans care too much about sports, but not that we aren't the most knowledgable and passionate fans on the planet.
Some examples and observations: When Chris and I went to Moscow we spent lots of time examining cultural differences. An odd thing about men's wardrobe didn't hit me at first but then became obvious. Nobody there where's sports clothing. Too say that wearing your team colors is ubiquitous in America is a gross understatement. Jerseys and ballcaps are everywhere. Soccer jerseys - at least in my small sample observations - were nowhere to be found in Moscow.
And think about this: The World Cup and the Olympics are huge throughout the world, but they also occur only once every four years. Can you imagine if the Super Bowl was only once every four years? America would riot. Our appetitite is far too big to allow that.
Also: Is soccer bigger in those countries than their music or movies or television? I don't know. But the sport of football is bigger in this country than any of those things. Are you aware that in the May sweeps period only the finale of American Idol beat the TV ratings for the top 10 NFL games played this last season. The most popular television show in America is now professional football.
One more thing: I keep coming back to the clock thing too. Far be it from me to suggest changing their game, but that's a no-brainer. The clock HAS TO count down. If soccer fan's won't concede that obvious point, there's no point in arguing with them.
I do agree that soccer is very boring. I tend to feel that my patience is greater than 99% of Americans but I do need to see some scoring action once in a while (even Chris scores once in a while, soccer players must feel bad).
Dave, I don't waste my time on short 5 mile runs.
Oh my god... As a former collegiate soccer player I'm offended by your unbelievable ignorance of the game. True, it's "foreign" to America, but that's only because it's much more complicated than anything we have around here. What can you do with your feet?
Take a look at Clint Dempsey's footwork sometime. If you think you're seeing 6 feet, you're not alone. He's one of the fastest players in the world, he's only 23, AND he's American.
And what about Brian McBride--at 34 he's getting pretty old for a soccer player, considering the kind of speed and both upper and lower body strength you need to go shoulder-to-shoulder with the world's best. Yet he's still a starting forward for the US World Cup team. Keep in mind, in baseball it's still possible for some to play at 40 (which would be about the equivalent age), given the amount of actual athletecism needed for the sport--don't get me wrong, I love baseball like any good American, but after having been hit by a baserunner while playing first base, and then having been hit by crazy striker heading for the goal while playing keeper, I'd have to say soccer is tougher. (Of course I never played baseball...er, softball... in college.)
And then there's other greats like Eddie Pope, DeMarcus Beasley, and Landon Donovan. Headed up with one of the best goalkeepers in the world, Casey Keller, the US came into the 2006 World Cup ranked
Fifth. More people around the world know who these players are than, say, Albert Pujols (who, by the way, is on the DL with much less of an injury than McBride took last week in the game v. Italy, only to get back in the game after 2 minutes and a little bit of NuSkin).
This says to me this sport MIGHT have a chance with American sports fans.
See, the problem with Americans is that we don't like things we don't understand, and what we do understand we only like if we win. So before deciding that soccer's boring or that you really don't like it, pick up a copy of the FIFA Laws of the Game. Sure, it's lengthy and gets a little complicated where certain aspects (offsides) are concerned, but it's educating. And when you learn the rules and a few basic aims of the game (because the real action is in the middle of the field, not in the goal box), you'll see just how exciting the game can really be.
At least give it a shot, because my ma says I can't date into a family (even one with German blood, if not German heart) that doesn't appreciate the best sport on earth.
Sigh... sorry you don't like soccer. I am pretty sure there are many others who agree with you, and, judging by the crowded stands at world cup USA games, many who love it as much as I do. Just like, hold on to your hats, there are those of us who are bored to tears watching NBA! (Oh no- say it ain't so) I have loved soccer far longer than it has been popular to admit. At 48 I am too old to even play on our local adult recreation league, but can watch a soccer game anywhere at any time and be thouroughly entertained. I am sorry you don't understand the intricate plays as they unfold, or that you really believe it is just running up and down the field. Those of us who love it see it all and wish we could be out there, just like NBA fans see the plays and don't mind that the 2-step rule is a joke. To each his own. (I do wish soccer would adopt an over and back rule like basketball- that would help the monotonous playing "back" of the ball)
However, please do not mistake the american fan's obsession for sports paraphenalia and logo ladened clothing for true love of sport. We just like to shop!
Post a Comment
<< Home