The Chris Moeller Archives

Oscar Recap or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

My 2005 Oscar Night notebook:
Times are Central Standard. Quotes are approximate.

7:30- Show begins with traditional montage. It ends with Chaplin and Shrek playing hacky-sack. You can tell this ain't gonna be the Independent Spirit Awards.

7:35- Chris Rock begins monologue with "Sit your asses down" to my great amusement. Director Louis Horvitz is more nervous than the host. He's shooting Rock from the waste up. Usually, it's a thrill to see the wide shot of the host on that large beautiful stage. Horvitz is shooting it like it's "Premium Blend" on Comedy Central. Does he think he has to protect his host somehow? He's not even getting a full body shot of Rock. We're being deprived of that great strut the comedian does when he's on stage. Is Rock doing something with his hips that we're not allowed to see? It's like Elvis on Steve Allen.

7:47- Thomas Haden Church of "Sideways" loses the "Lifetime Achievement in Supporting Roles" award to Morgan Freeman. Why did I ever think this favorite of mine had any chance of winning? It dawned on me 20 seconds before he lost when, for his clip, they showed the scene where he's crying in the hotel room. How could I forget that the Oscars are about honoring great dramatic moments, never comedy?

8:02- Drew Barrymore presents. It's wild to think that she could still be attending this ceremony in 50 years. By 2055, we will be 125 years removed from the salad days of her grandparents. What an amazing legacy.

8:11- A funny Rock bit has him interviewing moviegoers at the Magic Johnson Theater in Compton. Who would have guessed that Albert Brooks liked "White Chicks" that much?

8:16- My brother calls so I'm not able to concentrate fully on the Best Supporting Actress presentation or the Johnny Carson tribute. Aaron's headed to an Oscar party in Iowa City. Since he's going out tonight and I'm not, I lend him a joke for the evening. I tell him he should ask everyone: "Who are you wearing?" In return, he gives me a joke I can't use about Natalie Portman and her "Hannukah bush."

8:20- Virginia Madsen loses to Cate Blanchett. My heart sinks again for "Sideways," but I can't deny Blanchett's brilliant performance.

8:42- Adam Sandler and Rock do a bit where Rock has to "step in" for an absent Catherine Zeta-Jones. Rock, as Zeta Jones, says "I think you need a spanking." Sandler replies: "Sign me up, Mrs. Douglas." Sandler announces the winner of the Best Adapted Screenplay: "And the Oscar goes to... (opens envelope) Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Sideways. PANDEMONIUM. The two men take the stage and thank the Academy and their producer, as well as their wives, Ms. Tamera Jenkins and Ms. Sandra Oh. Payne thanks Fox Searchlight for giving them total creative freedom, and announces he wants to "share his half (of the award) with the cast and crew-- because we had a lot of fun."

This is the award that you want to win-- original or adapted screenplay. The track record for film endurance is much better for this honor than for Best Picture. This is the award Tarantino won when "Pulp Fiction" lost Best Picture to "Forrest Gump," and the one Welles won when "Citizen Kane" lost to "How Green Was My Valley."

8:48- Shot of Mickey Rooney in the audience. Where is the rest of his generation at the ceremony? Tony Curtis, etc. We don't know which ones are alive or dead unless their status is confirmed on the Dead Actors' Montage. The magic of this damn show is supposed to be centered around the medium's tremendous history. Next to Rooney, the oldest people in attendance are the stars of "Million Dollar Baby."

8:55- Al Pacino presents the Lifetime Achievement Award to Sidney Lumet, his director in "Dog Day Afternoon." That's a great flick. Another Lumet classic is "Twelve Angry Men." Rent these today!

9:02- Rain delay.

9:48- Annette Benning presents the aforementioned Dead Actor's Montage. As a film buff and a guy who cries over a good card trick, I always enjoy this feature, but the differing audience reactions are unsettling. Brando, obviously, warrants huge applause, but there was almost nothing for the screenwriter of "Rambo: First Blood." Even in death, the Hollywood hierarchy is brutal.

10:02- People like me who are convinced that Sean Penn was born without a sense of humor have their suspicions re-confirmed when the actor chastises Chris Rock for his earlier joke about Jude Law: "Who is Jude Law?" he repeats Rock's rhetorical question. "He's one of the great actors in the business." Jesus Christ.

10:03- I'm no Ted Casablanca, but I will give this fashion advice-- Hilary Swank, we miss the plunging necklines. She wins for Best Actress and delivers one of the worst speeches in Oscar history. "I'm just a girl from a trailer park with a dream." Brother. She's the only winner so far tonight that drones on about her agents and publicists. They do deserve it, though. They get her every tomboy part in town.

10:12- Back from commercial, Rock says, "Sean Penn, my accountants would like a word with you." He then intros Gwyneth Paltrow as "the first woman to breast-feed an Apple." Paltrow nails the Spanish pronunciations for Best Foreign Language film, shaming Prince, who butchered half the song nominees. This is a big moment in the lives of these musicians, the least you can do is learn their names.

10:16- Charlie Kauffman wins for Original Screenplay. It's his first Oscar, according to the voice-over. Who the hell beat him for "Being John Malkovich?" That should have never happened.

10:22- During a local break, the Channel 5 news anchor in Des Moines tells us that we'll meet one of the men Hilary Swank thanked tonight, after the Oscars. It turns out to be her grandfather living in southwest Iowa, not Clint Eastwood.

10:26- Jamie Foxx gives a hell of an acceptance speech as everyone knew he would. He does a spot-on impression of Sidney Poitier and singles out Oprah on at least three occasions.

10:31- ABC immediately attempts to cash in on the Ray Charles fad, running an ad for their new series "Blind Justice." It's about a blind law-and-order type guy.

10:32- Julia Roberts reaches a new low in self-congratulation by wishing a Happy Birthday to some broad named Marva before presenting the award for Best Director.

10:33- Roberts digs a new, deeper low by lingering on stage to wipe her lipstick off Clint Eastwood's cheek after his win. Eastwood thanks his 93 or 94 year old mother sitting down in front at the auditorium, pouring salt in the wound of his fellow nominee and perennial Oscar loser Martin Scorsese, whose mother is dead.

10:36- Rock introduces "a couple of old Fockers," Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand, who announce what we all suspected throughout-- that "Million Dollar Baby" has taken the gold. The film's producers say thanks and Eastwood gives a shout-out to everyone watching up in Monterey.

10:45- Rock wraps a strong performance with a "Goodnight Brooklyn."

10:48- The closing writing credits include "Late Show" writer Bill Scheft, "Seinfeld" vet Carol Leifer, and "Pootie Tang" himself, Lance Crouther. Sah-dah-tay.

posted by CM @ 12:24 AM